Watching Dominoes

Earlier today I volunteered to collect the teacher evaluations and take them to the English office, then I casually talked about my past experiences with marijuana in an anthropology discussion (yes Mom, if you ever read this, I admit I've tried weed). It just keeps getting easier and easier to open my mouth and speak up.

I've had a lot of trepidation about a summer lit. class considering it's open to both graduate students and undergrads, but I've been worrying less and less about looking stupid. It's not even so much about looking stupid as it's about feeling ashamed of looking stupid, if that's clear at all. I would just rather not care what the other people thought of me if I'm contributing to the discussion and I'm learning something. That feeling is my goal.

Here's something that surprised me: my good friend with bipolar disorder has officially come out of the closet with it today. He told me, and he's told other close friends in the past, but he's always been ashamed of the stigma surrounding a mental disorder (I can relate). Today he discussed it with my professor, who also has BPD, then he casually dropped it into a conversation with someone else. I'm so proud of him! He said it's helped him to talk with me and to see how I've been dealing with - and overcoming - my anxiety disorder. That makes me happier than I can tell you! And I have to just stress to anyone reading this: it's never a good idea to hold onto these troubles and try to deal with them yourself. Like my friend told me today, internalizing the problem for these past few years has damaged him.

It's not exactly a huge domino effect, but progress builds as you can see and eventually branches out. I'm getting further and further and now so is someone else.

People Are People So Why Should it Be...

In The Anxiety Book, it says that for most people, the anticipation of a stressful situation is worse than the event itself, but for social anxiety sufferers the situation is as bad or even worse than they imagined. I tried to explain that to my counselor. I don't know if she got it. It really is horrible to live out the physical symptoms in front of an audience. Just being the focus of attention is torture in itself.

I liked seeing validation of this in print; SAD is different from shyness and it's different from other anxiety disorders.

I was in a support group through the university's couseling center. I liked talking to people who go through the same things as I do, and I found it easier to practice speeches on them before going in front of the class. I didn't see it helping me make real changes, however, and I wished there was an advanced group for people really driven to defeat their social phobia. I ended up leaving the group because I couldn't afford the time and because I just didn't think it was enough for me. I'm trying to work on this in other ways for now and maybe I'll join up again when I have more time for it.

Get a Little Bit Closer Now

My class let me know what they thought of my story in workshop today. It was cool. They had some criticism. My professor wasn't sure what I was going for and she just seemed unprepared for the type of story I was writing. She seemed to want something realistic, but I'm just burnt out of realistic stories and I needed something different. She did say it was well-written, though.

Today was workout day and I was still nervous in the gym. I was better, however. I'm getting better slightly each week both physically and psychologically.

My applied anthropology class was what made me the happiest today. I volunteered more to the discussion than I have in the past. It felt really good to finally say something. Now I have to speak up in forensic anthropology. That's the only class I haven't said anything in.

A Reversal of Expectations

Today ended very differently than I expected. I thought I would fail the quiz this afternoon in forensic anthropology, I thought I wouldn't make any progress on my anxiety, and I thought I would still be clueless about my apathy regarding school.

I didn't feel like my conversation with my counselor this morning led me toward what was troubling me with school, but after my applied anthropology class I studied with a classmate for the quiz. I had fun studying with someone, when I usually study alone. I got an A on the exam pretty much because of today's study session. It was encouraging.

During applied anthropology I actually contributed to the discussion. I know these things sound trivial, but seriously, these are big deals to me. I never speak up in class discussions unless I'm called on. The fact that I offered something without being asked to is major. I need to do that more. I'm going to try to next time I'm in class.

I'm working on myself here. I have goals that seem impossible to reach, but I want to get there anyway. I want to write and be published, but I have so much fear about rejection and exposure. I want to be able to speak in front of people, to instruct or lead a discussion if the necessity arises. I have to start small: going to the gym by myself; writing honestly for essays; speaking in class discussions.

Eventually I want to try to get published, and I want to work in an academic library. I just have to get over my fears.