Fulfilled

I always feel so good when I've finished writing something. This time I wrote a short story about the junior high bitches who bullied me. I think I mentioned the idea, I don't remember, but anyway it's done. Now I need to think of a title and post it online for my class to read.

I'll be workshopped tomorrow. . .

Okay, I just left to finish and now I'm back. Title: The Reunion. All done, and it's nine pages so if I can get away with it, I might have it as a backup next semester in the fiction workshop if I can't get another story going. (I like coming up with new material, though. I don't think I could recycle an assignment.)

It's three o'clock and I still haven't showered. It's gross, I know, but I work better when I know I can't go anywhere.

I've got to say this, though, I really feel good right now. I'm starting to notice a correlation between my mood and my writing productivity. For the past couple of months I've thought that if an opportunity to write for a living came up I'd leave library behind in a heartbeat. How practical is that? I don't need to make a lot of money, but I don't want to be poor.

Noon to Four

I'm going to get through work today and then I can come home to write. I'm thinking about writing a fiction story based on my seventh grade experience with being teased, pranked, and tormented by a clique of popular girls. It was a nightmare for me and it made my social anxiety so much worse. Not only did I get this after starting at a new school, I had to go through high school with those same bitches. I think it'll feel good to write about it.

Rolling Downhill

I've been feeling my mood slip down for a few days and today I truly felt depressed. I went to dinner with Wright and the whole time I was fighting to keep my mood up. Later we ran to the store for a few things and then went out for coffee where I started to have trouble holding up.

There's no way I know of to avert depression, but I'm glad that my mood swings aren't very dramatic. I'll figure out what'll make me feel better, but sometimes this just happens and maybe I just need to cry and beat my pillow. Stress. It's shitty.

I think this has been coming on for a few weeks but because I was working out I postponed it. My workout was cancelled this week so I think the depression finally caught up with me.

I think next time you hear from me I'll be great. Happy and positive. Send me some positive vibes though. I could use 'em.

Just Stopping In For A Minute

I'm going to take this opportunity to ask for story ideas. I need to write a story tomorrow and post it. I have no idea what to write about. I can't think about much else so I'm gonna get out of here.

Watching Dominoes

Earlier today I volunteered to collect the teacher evaluations and take them to the English office, then I casually talked about my past experiences with marijuana in an anthropology discussion (yes Mom, if you ever read this, I admit I've tried weed). It just keeps getting easier and easier to open my mouth and speak up.

I've had a lot of trepidation about a summer lit. class considering it's open to both graduate students and undergrads, but I've been worrying less and less about looking stupid. It's not even so much about looking stupid as it's about feeling ashamed of looking stupid, if that's clear at all. I would just rather not care what the other people thought of me if I'm contributing to the discussion and I'm learning something. That feeling is my goal.

Here's something that surprised me: my good friend with bipolar disorder has officially come out of the closet with it today. He told me, and he's told other close friends in the past, but he's always been ashamed of the stigma surrounding a mental disorder (I can relate). Today he discussed it with my professor, who also has BPD, then he casually dropped it into a conversation with someone else. I'm so proud of him! He said it's helped him to talk with me and to see how I've been dealing with - and overcoming - my anxiety disorder. That makes me happier than I can tell you! And I have to just stress to anyone reading this: it's never a good idea to hold onto these troubles and try to deal with them yourself. Like my friend told me today, internalizing the problem for these past few years has damaged him.

It's not exactly a huge domino effect, but progress builds as you can see and eventually branches out. I'm getting further and further and now so is someone else.

I Triple Dog Dare Ya!

I really like getting feedback here. So far, my thanks to Theresa for chiming in. I'm trying to think of how I can make this thing more interactive. I like the idea of challenges that push me past my boundaries. I'm thinking of soliciting requests - dares, if you will, to get me out there. It actually makes me a little sick to my stomach if I think about it too long. That's a good sign, right?

Spicy and Sad

Watching Precious with the roommate. It's late and I'm sleepy but I really want to see the end of this movie. So sad.

Had thai with Wright after class tonight. I love me some green curry.

I'm not very coherent right now. Gotta get some sleep soon and do laundry in the morning.