Sad Day

I just received an email from the professor who is coordinating the scholarships for the English department. She told me that I will not be awarded any of the scholarships. I want to cry, but I need to be happy that I gave it a try. I really wanted to win this, and I would have loved to have some financial help through my last semester, but it'll be okay. I'll be fine.

It's hard not to associate this with negativity. I try to put myself out where I can risk failure or success and I hope for the latter, but it's not easy to succeed sometimes. This is discouraging, but I know eventually I'll be rewarded for everything I've gone through. I have to believe that.

I also just registered for my last semester. Fiction workshop and feature writing, along with three anthropology classes. Both writing classes sound like great learning experiences for me, and I have Approach to Composition this summer which will also help me write better.

Two and a half more weeks of this semester. I've gotten a lot out of these past few months. I love school, I love learning, but I hope that after it's over I can use everything I've learned to write the things I've always wanted to write. And that I will be able to devote the time to those projects at last. I want to think about writing today, not a "stable job," because I need to be positive and writing is what makes me happy.

Zzzzzz...

Two more days!

I'm sleepy, but I just wanted to say that I had a relaxing evening at Wright's and now I'm going to get some sleep. Class was torture tonight. Wright and I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. I was close for falling asleep a couple times.

I grabbed a few books on bipolar disorder at the library. I'll see what I can learn from those.

The Many Anxiety and Mood Disorders

I've been looking into how to deal with bipolar disorder. I know quite a few people who are dealing with this, including Wright. This has caused a lot of conflict between us, but mostly because I didn't know what the problem was.

He's one of the sweetest men I've ever met, and I love hanging out with him, but I need to find out how to talk about what bothers him and what to do when his mood plummets. I'm tired of arguing with him and now I know that he has little control over what he says and no control over how his moods. I've read that holistic treatment works, so I've ordered a book that explains how. I'm excited to see what it says.

The Magic Seeds

I wrote a story about the time I bought rosemary seeds and they turned out to be seeds for the common weed. I wanted to write a funny story and I was telling Wright about this the night before last. He told me I should write it down, so I did. I'm writing so much more than I ever have. It's great!

I've been drinking a lot of tea lately and I've got to stop it. Caffeine increases my feelings of anxiety and I know that I don't need the stimulation, I just enjoy it. Today I should get a few assignments done, but I've already had three cups of tea and I can feel it.

Thursday is the day. I will be going to the gym by myself. I don't plan on going alone all the time, but it'll be a big step for me if I can do it by myself once in a while.

Sleeping, Simmering, and Stories

This is one lazy Sunday. I slept more than I usually do, and I blame it on allergies. But, I'm up and getting ready to go out of the house. Wright made corned beef in the crock pot I gave him. He said it turned out wonderful. (He's adorable when he talks about food.) I'm looking forward to some cabbage and some potatoes and onions and carrots, and the beef, of course. Mmmm.

Today we'll write a scene or two for our story. Have some fun collaborating. It's been great watching this thing evolve.

I said I'd get some homework done today, but I'm not sure right now. It's looking like a relaxing day and I don't want to spoil it.

Keep Talking Blah, Blah, Blah

I need to see my counselor. I'm feeling great, so it's not that I'm on the verge of a meltdown or anything (I've had a meltdown before, though. It's a memorable experience.), it's just that counseling has been helpful for me. I remember when my counselor, Angel, helped me connect some of my childhood experiences to my most difficult social situations. And when I finally realized that low self-esteem was the center of my anxiety issues. Until then I didn't realize that I caused my problems by perpetuating negativity about myself. I thought people were my enemy, but I'm harder on myself than anyone ever was or ever will be.

I haven't seen Angel in about three weeks . . . actually, maybe four come to think of it. I cancelled my last appointment to work on homework, but I need to reschedule. I have so much to tell her. In five days I hope to cross something off of my list of fears. Working out on my own allows me to be more independent and it allows me to relieve stress that anxiety brings on. I'll continue to work up to public speaking, although I haven't figured out a safe crowd to start with (besides the social anxiety group at school). I want to see if she has any ideas for me.

I know people who have given up on counseling because of a bad experience, and that bothers me. I was lucky that I had a great person right from the start, but I encourage anyone who is working through their issues to look for the right counselor. It really makes a difference. Sometimes it takes a while to find just the right person who can see what really hurts you, though.

The Beginning of a Long Weekend of Meacham

So, the party today was interesting. I met a few writers and I talked to my professor and a few students from class, but it was kind of a let down. I thought one of the writers was annoying, another was a bore. A few of the guests were pretty cool, but overall this was not too impressive.

The reading was worse. So much worse. If Wright hadn't've been there it would have been excruciating. We wrote each other silly notes and made up poetry. Later, we went to Taco Mac for dinner and talked about writing. I love hanging out with him. It's so easy.

What's Your Fantasy?

My writing professor, Rebecca, invited me and one other student from class to attend a party for the writer's conference this weekend. She said she couldn't invite everyone from class, but we seem like very serious students so she wanted us to come hang out with the writers. I'm stunned. This is a great opportunity to talk to some writers. I mean, when will I ever get another chance to hang out at a party with a group of writers who publish their work, participate in professional workshops, etc.?

I almost ignored the invitation, but I decided I would regret not going, so I took an extra half dose of meds last night. I'm really nervous, but I don't want to get intimidated, I want to meet people and get inspired, maybe learn some things. I figure if I at least go it doesn't matter if I spend my time at the party sitting by myself. I'd rather I didn't, but at least I would have gone to the party instead of wishing I had.

Nothing Really Happens

Workshop this morning went well. Overall, I just feel relaxed talking about writing in a group, and that's the most important thing to me right now given what writing has come to mean in my life. I'm telling you, I don't get as freaked out in there as I used to. I like finding out what I can do to improve my writing. When I finally got my chance to speak about the story I had written, I asked the class what I could do to emphasize the conflict more.

The biggest complaint I've had about my work is that "nothing is at stake." My professor wants to see a bigger risk in my story and she wants me to make clear why I've chosen to write about that thing, that moment. I have to figure out how to make my stories more powerful for the resubmission later this semester.

Needing some inspiration . . . and some courage. I have to take some major risks with my writing if I want it to impact anybody.

Off to the gym in an hour or so. Later.

It's Okay To Be Vulnerable

Eight days!

I made it through one workshop. It was no sweat. Actually, I was relaxed and I asked the class questions about my story. It was very helpful for my revisions.

Had an argument with Wright about his workshop. Turns out, he's more insecure about it than he lets on. I knew he had issues about being talked about publicly, but he was upset with me for participating in workshop and offering suggestions instead of just saying I loved his story and leaving it at that. He hates being vulnerable, and that's understandable, but you have to deal with these things. It's things like this that make me wonder how he'll make it as a writer once his work is out there and people start saying what they want to about it.

Whatever. I'm just glad it's gym day. This is honestly the highlight of my week. I can't wait until I get comfortable going to the gym by myself. Big step coming up next week!

Somebody Cares!

My sister, Theresa, sent me a care package! So sweet of her. I was happy to find gluten-free crackers and pizza crust, along with cute socks, a container for vegetables and dip, gum, and a magazine called Mental Floss (lol!).

I've never heard of Mental Floss. Apparently it's a brainy type mag filled with interesting little facts. It's definitely not a stuffy, esoteric rag, though. I like.

I have a question: I want to join two different honor societies. I can't choose between the two. Can I join both?

Finally, I get one of the workshops over with today. I saw a girl from my class at the computers in the library last night. She asked me about one of the writers who was missing from tomorrow's line-up and I told her that the writer was auditing the class and probably chose not to post a story this time. But that's not really where I'm going with this . . .

. . . so anyway, I was flattered when she told me how much she liked my story. She said she knew someone like my boss (whom I was profiling), and that she felt the emotion in the piece. It made me feel fantastic. Thank you Ansley! I have to remember that conversation today so I don't worry about workshop for hours and make myself sick.

Writers Write. . . Then They Torment Themselves

A week and a half left!

I was set to have my paper workshopped today, but I found out after I got to class that I'm suppose to be w.s.'ed Wednesday instead. I was disappointed. It makes me nervous, this waiting to find out what people thought of my writing. I think I am going to have Wright go over the articles I've written, simply to get some feedback.

Oh, and that is plural. I wrote an article yesterday on social anxiety and I'm so happy that it's finally done. The first draft is, anyway. I still have a lot of revising to do.

I've been taking an extra 25 mg of Zoloft the past few days because of w.s. I have one Tuesday and one Wednesday of this week and I'm feeling anxious. I suppose I feel like I'll confront negativity about my writing, but realistically I won't be any worse than everybody else. It'll be fine; I need to totally accept that.

Getting the Wheels Turning

I spent a few hours brainstorming story ideas last night with my writer friend, we'll call him Wright, and we came up with a great character sketch of the protagonist of the story we're collaborating on. It was fun to throw things out there. Wright encourages me to let go with whatever, even if it's stupid. And he never treats me like my ideas are shit. I love that. I can see the two of us getting more comfortable disagreeing with each other's contributions, but that's the idea: we want to get more relaxed working together. Last night we came up with some great stuff.

The point is this: I want to be able to explore my creativity, but I'm afraid to look stupid and I've locked my ideas away from myself. I don't allow myself to go very far with my imagination. Wright is pulling me past my boundaries and that's great for my confidence.

He offered to read the article I wrote about anxiety and to read the ones I want to write. I offer to do this for him, but it didn't occur to me until yesterday that he might want to help me with my own writing. I've said in past posts, this guy is very encouraging of my writing. I never realized how much I need that and how wonderful it is to have it. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I feel really fortunate to have found him.

It's Friday! Life Is Beautiful.

I went to visit my friend, Krystal, who I haven't seen in about a month. I was happy to get a chance to see how she is and to see her new place. I need to get out more. While I was there I made arrangements to be the owner of a goat skull. Yeah, that's right. I get a goat skull. Right now it's pretty gross. I've gotta wait for the bugs to do their job.

I feel so good about writing right now. I had a talk with a writer friend of mine and he was so encouraging. He basically kept telling me that the only thing I need to do to make a living writing is just to write. He's read some of my stuff. He thinks I'm a good writer. This just makes me feel so positive about my future.

I really want something great to happen. I've been so blessed, though. I'm so thankful for the way things have been going lately. I haven't been this happy in . . . I can't remember ever being this happy. My confidence level is rising. What I really want now is a little recognition. I'm dying to know if I won one of the scholarships I applied for. It shouldn't be long before I know.

Can't Get Me Down

I feel amazing. I finished both of my essays and turned them in, and the best part is I'm happy about both of them. I feel like I did a good job with both and I'm trying not to let my negativity show up and bring me down.

Tomorrow I get the class' input on one of them, but I have to wait until next Tuesday to find out what my other class thought about the one I like the most. It's exciting to anticipate a good review, but it's hard to push away the dread that people won't like it. I keep reminding myself that if I like it, that says a lot. I never like my work, even if everyone else does. Finally gaining my own approval is a huge step for me.

Last night, after I had turned in my assignment and left the computer lab, I got a text from a friend that he was in the hospital waiting room to get an x-ray on his foot. He had been hit by a car late last week and he was worried that he might have broken his foot.

I went over to the hospital to wait with him, and it turned out to be a pretty decent night. I could have done without the extra couple hours the hospital staff made us wait unnecessarily, but he and I always seem to find things to talk about so it was cool. After finishing my papers, I was really happy to hang out with him. He's one of the most supportive people in my life when it comes to writing. He recently discovered that he loves to write, and it's generally agreed that he's pretty darn good at it. We both dream of being published some day, but instead of competing with each other to see who's best, we try to push each other to be the best we can be. I've gotta say, I'm very thankful to have him in my life.

Under the Wire

16 days.

I really cut it close today with my assignments. I almost didn't make it because of a last-minute response I had to write, but I made it. It was nerve-wracking though, I tell ya.

My meds were letting me down in class today. I was really feeling the anxiety during the last two workshops of the evening. I really hope I'm not just getting used to the drug. I don't want to have to increase the dosage, but I might.

I'm looking forward to getting back in the gym tomorrow. I missed it last week since we had spring break. It'll feel good to hurt again.

Tomorrow I will be putting the finishing touches on two essays and then posting them online for the class to read. Yes, this will be turned in last-minute yet again (actually, one of them will be a day late). Oh well, I'm writing.

Silence the Censor

Seventeen days left . . . is that right? Whatever it is, it's coming up. I'm excited.

I found some writing inspiration today and now I'm almost done with the essay I have to turn in tomorrow. I'm happy about the way I've been been regarding my writing, too. I felt good about the story I'm writing; I was thinking it's actually turning out really well, but then the negative voice popped up for a moment to say it's really not so great. I told "evil Sarah" that she was wrong. I've been ignoring her ever since.

On an unrelated note, ever since I started doing crunches daily I've been having back pain. It's been interfering with my sleep. I don't think I'm pulling my neck, and I've recently been stretching more, but it's not getting any better. I'm hoping this is because I need to get used to it and over time the pain will just go away. I guess I'll see.

Let's Make a Date

So, people, I've set a date for my immersion into the gym ALONE. On April 1st, that's right, TWO WEEKS from now is the day. (I don't want to overdo it with exclamation points so I guess I'm going a little CAP crazy.) I'm scared, but I can do it! (There I go.)

My plan is to psyche myself up for it and actually have a checklist I have to mark off as I go. It is as follows:

1. a few laps on the track
2. do weights on my quads and triceps
3. stair machine

Then I'm done. It's not a major workout, but it's definitely something and it gets me moving around the place. I just have to focus on my work. I've got get over this fear and exercise is really great for anxiety. I've noticed an improvement in myself since I started working out.

I want to do classes eventually. I'm hoping to go to yoga classes in the future. One step at a time. I don't know if it's quieter in the morning or the evening. . . probably early.

Wish me luck!

What Do You All Think Of "The Work"?

Byron Katie is a self-help expert who guides people through their negative thoughts to realize the truth behind them. Here is an excerpt from her site:

Based on Byron Katie's direct experience of how suffering is created and ended, The Work is an astonishingly simple process, accessible to people of all ages and backgrounds, and requires nothing more than a pen and paper and an open mind.

Through this process, anyone can learn to trace unhappiness to its source and eliminate it there. Katie (as everyone calls her) not only shows us that all the problems in the world originate in our thinking: she gives us the tool to open our minds and set ourselves free.

I came upon her after I had finally sat down and analyzed my fear about going to the gym. I realized that I'm not afraid of people looking at me and laughing, or of appearing weak; I really hate my body and I don't want anyone to see it and judge it. In the gym, people are working on their bodies and it's an environment that draws scrutiny. I don't esteem my body, therefore, I don't feel I deserve to be in the gym. I want to stop hating my body.

I'm trying to figure out how to change my negative thoughts, but I need to really push myself into the situation more. This is hard for me. I hope you are reading this and understanding what I mean. It's scary. I need to overcome this, though and it's gonna happen.

Look Good, Feel Good

I've been doing two hundred crunches and ten push-ups everyday this week. I'm trying to make exercise a routine. I read in the Anxiety Book that exercise benefits anxiety sufferers by not only releasing stress, but also improving and affirming self-esteem.

I think it makes sense that if you care about yourself, you take care of your body. That's why I'm trying to stick to the daily plan I have now because it's easy, then I'll gradually add more to the routine. I'm just worried that I won't make it a routine and I'll quit when the stress gets too bad.

I've been feeling great lately and the exercise gives me energy. Unfortunately, it hasn't helped me focus and get my assignments done. Tomorrow I'll try to get caught up with my work.

Melodrama Over Here

I'm this close to losing my mind. I have so many assignments to get done before spring break is over and I don't know if I'm gonna make it. I need some inspiration.

People Are People So Why Should it Be...

In The Anxiety Book, it says that for most people, the anticipation of a stressful situation is worse than the event itself, but for social anxiety sufferers the situation is as bad or even worse than they imagined. I tried to explain that to my counselor. I don't know if she got it. It really is horrible to live out the physical symptoms in front of an audience. Just being the focus of attention is torture in itself.

I liked seeing validation of this in print; SAD is different from shyness and it's different from other anxiety disorders.

I was in a support group through the university's couseling center. I liked talking to people who go through the same things as I do, and I found it easier to practice speeches on them before going in front of the class. I didn't see it helping me make real changes, however, and I wished there was an advanced group for people really driven to defeat their social phobia. I ended up leaving the group because I couldn't afford the time and because I just didn't think it was enough for me. I'm trying to work on this in other ways for now and maybe I'll join up again when I have more time for it.

Can Anxiety Be Rationalized Away?

So, I've been reading sections of The Anxiety Book by Dr. Davidson, and it hasn't really offered me anything useful. Mostly, he's trying to help people who have recently realized they have an anxiety problem. He tells the reader to identify negative thoughts and work toward replacing them with positive thoughts. And also to look at anxiety-causing situations rationally. Try to find the core fear and rebuild your attitude toward it.

For example:
In the case of a man's stage fright, the core negative thought was,
"If I'm not perfect, they'll reject me as worthless."

The rational response was,
"I have no real basis in my experience for believing that if I say or do something imperfect, I will be judged so severely. I get nervous when I think people aren't listening - that's when I repeat myself or stumble over words and become convinced that people think I'm stupid or worthless. But I never harbor such bad thoughts about people who are nervous while speaking. . . .Most people are probably like me - dwelling on their anxieties, not focusing on my lapses. . . "

Mostly, what it comes down to is finding out what lies underneath the anxious response. WHY are you so afraid to write your name in front of someone? WHY can't I go to the gym by myself?

Okay, I'm still working on that one. I don't know if I've figured out the core negative thought, or if rationalizing actually works like this doctor says it does. What do you think? I tend to see progress with immmersion and positive experiences.

It's Almost Ten PM and I Haven't Left the House.

Do you ever have those days when you just want to stay in bed. I'm not talking about depression, I just feel zapped. I'm on day 2 of the detox cleanse and I tried to go all afternoon on a protein shake but I couldn't. I think that has something to do with my low energy level, but I think school is most of the cause. Luckily, spring break is this week. I can stay in bed if I want to.

I love kona coffee. I also got to try the gluten-free pancakes. About five pancakes has 87 grams of carbs! I definitely won't be having them often, but they taste great!

Hanging Around (but not here... oops)

So, I have been pretty busy lately. I didn't get a chance to post the past few days because I've been spending a lot of time with a friend. Let's not go into that . . .

Spring break has finally gotten here and I'm looking forward to getting some writing done. I'm also starting a detox and a new protein shake from GNC.

I had a fun shopping trip to Earth Fare and Fresh Market today. Some greek yogurt, decaf kona coffee, and a new grain to try. I'd never had quinoa until today, but I really like it. I also got some gluten-free pancake mix. I haven't had pancakes in a couple months since I quit eating wheat. Really looking forward to trying it!

Last night I was incredibly relaxed hanging out. It was nice. I don't usually let my guard down and relax, but last night I laughed a lot and I had a great time out around town.

Making Some Bad Decisions

I don't know, sometimes I know I'm making a mistake but I can't help myself. Like with the guy I keep having issues with. We get along great when it comes to writing, and we have a good time hanging out, usually. But at times he makes things more complicated than they need to be and we end up hating each other.

I should just keep my distance but I'm not. We're back to hanging out a lot. We had dinner together yesterday and today. It was nice. He's really encouraging about my writing. He wants me to get published and we've decided to collaborate on a book. He came up with the initial idea and I ran with it so that we now have a good basis for a novel. We have to do some research for turn of the 20th century period and figure out the plot details.

I want someone to encourage my writing and I love the idea of getting a book written finally, but I don't want to go through the drama like before. I'm hoping things are cool this time.

Let's Call It a Day

Class was canceled tonight because of weather. It's actually funny, the weather cleared up at around noon, but the school had already closed down and sent out the notice for complete cancellation. I wanted work to close but no luck there.

I need some writing inspiration. I have to sit down at the computer during spring break next week and get some writing down. I'm not really feeling very good about my work these days. I'm trying to stick with this blog every day, even though there isn't always anxiety-related stuff to write about. I don't want to skip a day in case I stop updating.

Another Day Another Day Another Day

I tell ya, today was a long day. I was almost late for the meeting with the internship coordinator this morning. One of my classes was canceled so I napped in the UC, barely studied, yada yada yada, I may have failed the forensic anthropology midterm. Now I'm watching TV, bored and lonely and thinking about a boy. I would call myself a loser, but that's a negative thought so I'm not supposed to.

I want a great day tomorrow. Like, really great.