All I Hear Around Here is an Echo

Last night I couldn't go to sleep until I wrote an article that I had in mind. It was about social anxiety and I wrote it for our school newspaper, The Echo. It's about 600 words in length and focuses on my experiences with anxiety, my struggles in school, and the eventual help I received in counseling. My aim is to educate other students who have social anxiety and don't know what it is or what to do, and to show that it's possible to overcome it.

It felt so good to have it written. I love getting something completed, and this is the first writing assignment I've ever given myself that I've finished. Now I'm nervous. I know an editor at The Echo and I could talk to her about whether or not they'd be interested in running it, but I'm starting to succumb to the self-doubt. Negative thoughts are getting to me. I need some confidence. It's times like these I wish someone was reading this thing. . .

Slow Saturday

I found some info on SA that I wanted to share:

The most effective psychological treatment for Social Phobia currently available is called cognitive behavioral therapy, or CBT. Numerous research trials have demonstrated a clear advantage for CBT, and the treatment is now widely accepted as a first choice treatment for Social Phobia. While the specific ways in which CBT for Social Phobia can be administered may vary somewhat between therapists, a number of features distinguish this approach from other commonly used psychotherapies:

• CBT is collaborative - the client and therapist work together as a team. The therapist does not simply tell you what to do or think. Together, you and your therapist develop strategies for overcoming anxiety.
• CBT includes a focus on developing new skills. You will learn several strategies for counteracting Social Phobia.
• CBT is brief and time-limited. You and the therapist will set specific goals and remain focused on these goals throughout treatment, which generally lasts 12 to 16 sessions. The ultimate aim is to assist you in becoming your own "therapist."
• CBT is focused on the present. While a CBT therapist is likely to agree that the roots of Social Phobia may be due, in part, to experiences during childhood, the emphasis of treatment is on uncovering the current cognitive and behavioral patterns that are maintaining symptoms and on making changes in your present life.
• CBT is structured. Each session, as well as the overall course of treatment, has specific objectives and agendas that you develop in cooperation with your therapist.
• CBT emphasizes between-session exercises (often referred to as homework) that you complete on your own. These tasks are planned with your therapist and are intended to provide you with actual, "real-life" experience working with new ways of thinking and behaving.
• CBT is research-based. The strategies used in CBT to address symptoms of Social Phobia have been subjected to numerous clinical studies and have been shown to be effective.
• Cognitive behavioral treatment draws on a number of therapeutic strategies when addressing Social Phobia. While the specific approaches used may vary based on your symptoms, your therapist, and the setting in which you are being treated, CBT for Social Phobia often includes many of the following components:

Psychoeducation: Perhaps one of the most difficult aspects of coping with Social Phobia is simply understanding what it is, where it came from, why it's so hard to change, and how it keeps coming back with a vengeance. Psychoeducation involves you and your therapist working together to develop a better way to understand your Social Phobia, and subsequently, how to work with it.

Cognitive Restructuring: As discussed earlier, individuals with Social Phobia frequently hold negative beliefs about themselves and others, which often show up as unhelpful thoughts in social situations. Cognitive restructuring is an important component of CBT, and it involves working with your therapist to identify these thoughts and look for patterns within them. As you become skilled at noticing these thoughts, you then develop strategies for gaining flexibility in your thinking and considering more helpful ways of looking at your experiences.

In Vivo Exposure: In vivo (real life) exposure is another core element of CBT for Social Phobia. You and the therapist identify situations that you avoid because of Social Phobia, and then gradually enter these situations while accepting your anxiety and allowing it to naturally dissipate. While this step probably sounds quite intimidating, it is important to know that exposure is done at a very gradual, planned pace, and that your therapist will support you throughout the process. Many clients report exposure practices as being among the most useful elements in their treatment.

Interoceptive Exposure: Some individuals with Social Phobia are fearful not only of social situations, but also of the anxious physical sensations (such as blushing, shaking, sweating, etc.) that can accompany them. Interoceptive exposure practices deliberately bring about these sensations through such activities as wearing a warm sweater to induce sweating in social situations. Just as exposure to feared situations leads to reductions in situational fear, exposure to feared sensations will lead to a reduction in anxiety over experiencing these feelings in social situations.

Social Skills Training: In the midst of a tense social situation, many people with Social Phobia fear that they do not have the necessary social skills to successfully navigate the exchange. While this may be due to negative self-talk and self-consciousness (rather than an actual lack of skill), many people find it helpful to discuss such topics as carrying on conversations, being assertive, and effective listening. Social skills training provides a chance to work on these areas in therapy.

I've worked on social skills training, real life exposure, and cognitive restructuring in my treatment. I've tried to learn what I can about social anxiety, but I haven't done as much research as I plan to do. These techniques have been helpful to me, however, and I urge anyone suffering from social anxiety to try and examine every aspect of their reactions to social situations. Try to understand where these feelings come from and how to change them. I've found that although other factors may have brought about my anxiety, I am the one perpetuating it and ultimately the cure resides in me.

No regrets this time

I turned my scholarship applications in. There's no going back. Now I just have to wait and see what happens.

It's Friday night. Time to relax and enjoy the weekend.

Take a Chance On Me

I wanted to post last night but I was just too tired! I was feeling stressed yesterday about something and it sucked all of my energy out of me.

In January, there was a contest for creative nonfiction writing offered by the English department. I was determined to submit my essay about my trip to New Orleans. I had written it for English 413 and my professor gave me an A+. She said she rarely lavished the kind of praise she gave me but she really liked my writing. She even suggested that I submit it to the contest.

I wanted to make some revisions and make it better, so I emailed the story to my sister and asked for her feedback. She wrote back that it was good, and that once she realized that nothing was going to happen she liked it a lot more.

I couldn't get past that comment. Nothing happened in my story. It completely destoryed any esteem I had for the piece. I couldn't submit it and I let the due date go by.

I regret that now. I'm in a creative nonfiction writing class, and most of the stories the students write are about divorce, parents, abuse, and alcohol. Seldom do I ever read an essay that is sophisticated and well-written. I'm sure the judges would have been pleased to come across my well-written essay about a light-hearted topic like a vacation trip. I hate regret.

The English department sent an email a few days ago that the scholarship deadline had been pushed back to Friday. I looked over the scholarships and I qualify to apply for four of the six. I decided that it was worth a try. If I get a scholarship, I can stay at UTC for an extra semester and study writing more.

I wrote the letter of interest that they require with the application and I was going to have one of the librarians proof read it for me, but I started to chicken out. I didn't want anyone to read my ambitions and laugh at me. I told a co-worker about it and she encouraged me to go through with it. I did. The librarian told me that the letter was great.

I made a few revisions on it later and printed it out. I signed it and clipped it to the application. It is now sitting in a folder to be turned in and I'm scared. I don't know who's going to read it and what they'll think of me. Will they think my writing is bad? That I should give up on my dreams? Am I unworthy of their assistance? These are the fears I have in my head, the thoughts that threaten to make me give up and have another regret. I'm afraid, but I need to do this anyway. The more I open up and take risks like this, the more chances I take of being accepted instead of rejected.

Get a Little Bit Closer Now

My class let me know what they thought of my story in workshop today. It was cool. They had some criticism. My professor wasn't sure what I was going for and she just seemed unprepared for the type of story I was writing. She seemed to want something realistic, but I'm just burnt out of realistic stories and I needed something different. She did say it was well-written, though.

Today was workout day and I was still nervous in the gym. I was better, however. I'm getting better slightly each week both physically and psychologically.

My applied anthropology class was what made me the happiest today. I volunteered more to the discussion than I have in the past. It felt really good to finally say something. Now I have to speak up in forensic anthropology. That's the only class I haven't said anything in.

The Second Quietest in the Class!

Yes! I am no longer the quietest student on the class . . . in one of my classes. There was a discussion yesterday in creative writing about who was the quietest and my teacher named Abby. I was pretty happy that I wasn't mentioned. Then she said, "Well, Sarah's pretty quiet, too." Dammit. Well, I just need to try harder.

I posted my short story on our class' discussion board. Now I have to wait until tomorrow to find out what they thought. To tell you the truth, I'm not scared; I'm excited. I know my story isn't the worst. It's actually kind of funny. The writing isn't bad. I know they'll find a lot for me to fix, but I'm just happy to have my first ever short story done and being read by other people!

The internship landed me my first published writing. Not attributed to me (of course). I wrote the press release for the library's screening of New Moon. It'll be run in the newspaper and I'll definitely be keeping a copy of that for my portfolio. It makes me happy.

Where Do I Rate?

I found a nifty little questionairre on this site that I came across: http://www.socialanxietysupport.com/
Check it out!

The Liebowitz Social Anxiety Scale (LSAS) is a questionnaire developed by Dr. Michael R. Liebowitz, a psychiatrist and researcher.
This measure assesses the way that social phobia plays a role in your life across a variety of situations.

Your score:
40(fear) + 33(avoidance) = 73
You have marked social anxiety.

The scoring scale:
55-65 Moderate social phobia 65-80 Marked social phobia 80-95 Severe social phobia Greater than 95 - Very severe social phobia

According to this quiz my anxiety is noticable to other people. I know this, but maybe this will be useful in tracking my progress. Well, a little help anyway.

A Night at Home

Well, I never got into the box. I wanted to sometimes.

I don't have much to say today. . . I was searching for celebrities with social anxiety and I found Barbra Streisand and Donny Osmond. Neither of them really rock my world.

I was planning to go out with some friends today but I had to cancel. Disappointing, but necessary. I was really hoping to get out of the house and spend some time with people I haven't hung out with much. Oh well, gotta get writing and maybe next weekend I can get out.

Remember What You Used To Be

I remember when I was in kindergarten and my teacher had to call me to her desk everyday to give her my milk money. I saw her at her desk counting the quarters. One was missing. . . I waited until she asked me to bring it to her, even though I knew she wanted me to bring it up to her on my own like the rest of the students. I trembled as I walked quickly over to Mrs. Purvis, placed the coin in her hand, and went back to my seat to become invisible. Memories like this one fill my childhood. Classroom experiences were always tense and scary for me.

Today I told my professor that the ending of a story was cliche and unrealistic, that I wanted the protagonist's boyfriend to turn out to be a serial killer. This was offered in the middle of a classroom full of other students, and this was one of the comments I gave without being asked for it.

It has taken a change of perspective, new, more positive thoughts, and a lot of courage to get to where I am, but I have so far to go. I have to remember that I used to be so afraid and so down on myself.

Like I Have Time to Read

I was shelving at work today and I came across a book on anxiety that looked good. It's called The Anxiety Book: Developing Strength in the Face of Fear. It's by Dr. Jonathan Davidson, Director of the Anxiety and Traumatic Stress Program at Duke University Medical Center. I'm looking forward to seeing what this book can give me. I might share it with my counselor next time I see her, and I'll definitely be posting whatever I think might interest anyone else.

I had a conversation with one of my co-workers in the sorting room today while we were getting books in order. Somehow the topic of anxiety came up (I'm sure that I brought it up, but I don't remember why), and she admitted that she shares a lot of the same feelings I do about social situations. Now, I knew she had some anxiety issues; she often has trouble relating to people and can come across as cold and aloof. I was glad that we had a chance to talk about it finally. I'm hoping I can help her with it in some way in the future. I'm going to need to understand my own problems a little better first, though.

Working This Out

I feel like in the past week I've gotten a little closer to being normal. I spoke up voluntarily in both of my classes. Today was gym day with a friend and I focused a little more on my workout than on the people around me. I know that the meds have a lot to do with that, but I'm okay with that. As I said, I think they allow me to get into the situations I fear and see them the way other people do. I think that if I make a habit out of immersing myself in social situations that scare me, then later when I'm off the meds I can handle them just fine.

I had an argument with the guy I was talking about yesterday, the one who brings me down. He was being odd and acting like I don't spend enough time with him, like I need to be there for him more. It sounded very much like he thinks of me as his girlfriend, which worries me. I've decided not to seek him out at all now. I don't intend to text or call him any more. This is just getting too weird, and honestly, I never really feel very happy when I see him now.

Just Not Like Me... In a Good Way

Last night, in Creative Nonfiction Writing, I was very vocal. The best part was that I was volunteering my input instead of being asked for my opinion.

We had to workshop five writers in the class and spend about twenty minutes on each one, so we had to give writing advice for five different people. It gets tedious after a while. Anyway, I sat next to the professor and when she asked a question I tried to get my answer out first. I had quite a few responses last night, and usually more than one for each writer.

This is what I'm trying to do in all of my classes. I want to be unafraid to speak up in any room. For now, I just feel more comfortable in Rebecca's classes, but the similar experience in Anthro the other day is encouraging.

I noticed that a guy I hang out with affected my mood and made me feel like answering less. He says things very carelessly that bother me and then tells me later that I didn't get him. I considered not going to dinner with him after class (even though it's tradition), but he promised he'd be nice and he was. I don't want anything in my life that pushes me back and I know that if I spend much time with this guy he'll affect me.

The Little Helper

I have been on Zoloft for about a month now, and while I don't like the idea of taking meds instead of making progress on my own, I decided I needed this. I was having too much trouble with the anxiety and I knew I would never push myself past certain boundaries without some help. It has definitely helped.

I feel so much more relaxed in the situations that trigger the most anxiety and because of that relaxation I'm able to look at those situations more objectively. The fear isn't so completely overpowering that I can't see outside of myself. I've made progress on public speaking because of the medication (and I know that from the period I took off of meds from last semester). Zoloft was only a trial before and I wasn't sure about it, but I changed my mind.

I know it'll be hard to adjust to life without pharmaceutical assistance and I'm worried, but that's why I want to make the most progress I can while I'm on the drugs. I want to beat this anxiety.

A Reversal of Expectations

Today ended very differently than I expected. I thought I would fail the quiz this afternoon in forensic anthropology, I thought I wouldn't make any progress on my anxiety, and I thought I would still be clueless about my apathy regarding school.

I didn't feel like my conversation with my counselor this morning led me toward what was troubling me with school, but after my applied anthropology class I studied with a classmate for the quiz. I had fun studying with someone, when I usually study alone. I got an A on the exam pretty much because of today's study session. It was encouraging.

During applied anthropology I actually contributed to the discussion. I know these things sound trivial, but seriously, these are big deals to me. I never speak up in class discussions unless I'm called on. The fact that I offered something without being asked to is major. I need to do that more. I'm going to try to next time I'm in class.

I'm working on myself here. I have goals that seem impossible to reach, but I want to get there anyway. I want to write and be published, but I have so much fear about rejection and exposure. I want to be able to speak in front of people, to instruct or lead a discussion if the necessity arises. I have to start small: going to the gym by myself; writing honestly for essays; speaking in class discussions.

Eventually I want to try to get published, and I want to work in an academic library. I just have to get over my fears.

Blah, Monday

I skipped my first class of the day after my counseling appointment. I just wasn't prepared for the workshop.

I'm proud to say that I'm not afraid to participate in workshop, partly because I think the professor, Rebecca, is awesome. I have to submit my story (which I haven't gotten around to writing yet) later this week and the class will be work shopping it next week. A little scary still to be the one work shopped, I have to admit.

I have yet to go to the gym by myself. Yes, I know that sounds stupid, but it's a huge fear of mine. I'm afraid to work out by myself. I think everyone is watching me. I'm determined to get over this fear, though, which is why I asked my ex-husband to be my personal trainer. We met last week to work out at the faculty/staff gym and that was a good hour. I hadn't really exercised in months! I felt so good. I really want to get over this fear so I can go more often, but as it is we can only meet once a week.

This week I need to pull myself together. Wednesday I work out again and I need to focus on relaxing. I need to pull my paper together by Friday and not get nervous about what readers will think. I really need some strength. . .