A Reward Deserved

I got my grades for the semester and I'm thrilled to have my first 4.0 semester. I took five classes this spring and keeping up was exhausting but I have great grades to show for it.

This summer I'm taking fifteen credit hours and I'm going to try for all A's again. I don't know if I can get my article ready by the 20th if I have to devote so much time to classes, so if it comes down to one or the other I'm choosing school.

I haven't been working out lately and it feels like my life has revolved around school so much that I'm not as happy as I should be. I need some fun in my life. I'll try to be positive. Soon I'll get my new apartment and eventually a puppy. I'll get to see my new niece at the end of the summer and the rest of my family who I miss lots. Life is good.

Whew! I'm Glad That's Over.

Ah. The semester is over, I feel optimistic about my grades, I can finally start working on my article for May 20th, and as soon as I hear back from an apartment manager I think I have a new home. I'm feeling so much better. I couldn't make the trip up to Michigan to see my family, but I'll have more time for a visit in August anyway. I'll be able to see my new niece then, too.

I'm feeling nervous about the article. I know that's a good sign, but I still worry that it's not going to be good enough and I'll get rejected. The silly thing is I'm sure I can handle the actual rejection; I don't know if I would deal well with criticism piled on top of the rejection, but it's rare that an editor offers criticism.

Classes start up in about a week for the summer term. I hope to be vocal in all of them. Participation should be important in all of them, but will be especially necessary in the lit. classes.

Need Shelter, Need Rest

Well, I'm hanging in here although this is the most stressful part of the semester and I'm under so much stress from that AND trying to find a place to live. I'll be checking a place out in the morning. Let's hope it's a good one. As far as school, I'll get it done. I always do. Then I can focus on my writing and getting to the gym. . . until classes start again in a week and a half.

A New Challenge

First thing this morning, I answered a call from Wright telling me that he was published in the local news publication The Pulse. I'm really proud of him and for me this is exciting. Until I met Wright, I didn't think I could try to get my work published yet. Then I found out he was already trying to make it into a publication.

Now that he's made it into something I feel like I could do it too. All I have to do is stop pushing my work aside and thinking it's not good enough. It's time to get serious. Maybe I'll make this my next challenge. Four weeks to submit a work to a news source of some kind. I can get rejected. That's fine. But I have to at least put it out there. Okay, May 20th will be the day. Any suggestions will be welcome. I'm getting nervous already. That's good.

Which Way is Progress?

I'm still trudging through these last few assignments. I chose to relax last night rather than work on the anthro paper I need to turn in today. It's hard to motivate myself these days but that may have been a bad idea last night because I don't have anything written and I still feel unmotivated.

I feel like I'm on a plateau and I can't figure out how to move up. I don't know what to do to push myself farther past my anxiety boundaries, and I don't know how to elevate my writing or get it noticed. I'm sure this will pass. I just wish I could see things falling into place.

Today I need to be productive. I will get my assignments done. I always do. We'll see how today goes...

It All Started In My Childhood...

It's amazing how tired I am at the end of the semester. With all the assignments I need to get done and turned in, I'm constantly worried that I won't make it in time. It makes it hard to do even simple things like update my blog or throw in a load of laundry. All I want to do is sleep. Sleep is so easy and rewarding.

I saw my counselor yesterday. I'm disappointed in her. She has practically nothing to offer me for advice on pushing past my boundaries. All she did yesterday was sit there and listen to me go on about everything that's gone on in the past month. Occasionally she'll ask something, but today I had to do all the work and she gave me nothing. I could have gone to anyone else and gotten more useful guidance - and I plan to. My friends and readers are better counselors that a trained professional. I'm sure of it. So, from now on I'll still go see Angel, but I'll be seeking most of my counsel elsewhere. Yes, I'll probably be coming here with more questions, and feel free to dispense advice.

A New Friend

Just got back from a party at David and Catherine's house. They're a couple of people I've known for a while, and I was so happy to get to spend some time with them at long last. I tried to get Allie to come along but she was too tired so I went alone and caught up with Catherine and Krystal. Lots of old friends. A few new faces. I'm glad I went.

I'm trying to get a dog. I'll be going to look at one tomorrow and she's absolutely adorable. She's a chihuahua/bulldog mix and she's two already. Don't ask me why I feel like I need to get a dog. Sometimes a person just needs a dog.

Isn't she so cute?!

From Absent to Just Absent-Minded

I'm in the end-of-semester rush phase. I'm too busy to think about anything other than writing and anthropology Today is my day off, so I'm catching up on some assignments. Making some progress and that feels good. I hate having so much on my to-do list. It makes my shoulders cramp up.

Last night I caught an oversight in my Fall 2010 class schedule that created a scheduling conflict. I started looking for a way to rework my schedule, but there weren't enough classes offered to make it work and still allow me to take the classes I want to take. I found a different solution.

I changed my minor. I'm now minoring in communications. This is the last possible moment in my college career that I could make a decision like this one, but after having my roommate, Allie, go over my RAP sheet and verifying what I had figured, we found that it would work out. I will have to take twelve hours this summer if I want to ensure that I have plenty of English and communications hours, but it's do-able.

This is great for me, though. Because of the comm. minor, I can take Persuasive Writing, Media Writing, Publication Design, and Mass Communication Perspectives. It'll help me with my writing a lot. I wish I had known these classes existed earlier. I'm glad I screwed up, and really glad that I found out when I did.

Well, getting back to work. I just had to stop in and share the news.

Whew!

My last workshop of the semester is over. The outcome is more of what I've heard before: "What's at stake here?" That will be my writing challenge from now on - to figure out how to make the conflict in my writing stronger and better. Rebecca also wants me to make the stories less conveniently resolved. That issue has a lot to do with the lack of conflict, though. She was still encouraging. She told me she enjoys my writing and the way I have with words. To keep writing stories and writing stories until I get it right.

A few comments from classmates made my day brighter: one said short fiction is my niche and I need to stick with it and make it work for me; another said that although it was nine pages it felt far from it and it flowed really well; one girl told me she really related to this story and she liked the whole thing.

Writing makes me happier than anything else I do in life. I think I mentioned that once, I don't know... It's what I want to do with my life. I want to tell stories and sit at a computer for hours trying to get the words to flow. I want people to read my writing and feel something big coming from inside those little words. There is so much fear in writing and being read that I have yet to overcome. It's another dimension of the anxiety that holds me back from what I desire most out of life. I imagine that a life working in a library and surrounded by books would hold some satisfaction for me if that's where I end up, but writing is the challenge that I believe will fulfill me much more.

I'm going to anthro soon, then to work out. Later.

Not Much Over Here

Today was another day. Tomorrow I get workshopped and it's workout day! I'm excited about tomorrow. I think I'll be pretty happy next time you hear from me.

The Sun is Shining.

It's a beautiful day! I'm feeling much better and it looks like my mood will be improving. I'm a believer that you have to go though the downs so that the ups feel that much better. I just wish I would eat less ice cream when I'm down. I'm pretty stressed, though. Lots of turmoil in my personal life. Although I would hate to sound pessimistic, this good mood is precarious.

Double date idea is out. Scrap that. Wright and I will not be doing that any time soon. I'm still looking for a challenge; the problem is, I don't feel like pushing myself. I think I'll ask people to put me out there somehow. My boss, Della, might be able to get me involved in a teen event. We'll see.

Fulfilled

I always feel so good when I've finished writing something. This time I wrote a short story about the junior high bitches who bullied me. I think I mentioned the idea, I don't remember, but anyway it's done. Now I need to think of a title and post it online for my class to read.

I'll be workshopped tomorrow. . .

Okay, I just left to finish and now I'm back. Title: The Reunion. All done, and it's nine pages so if I can get away with it, I might have it as a backup next semester in the fiction workshop if I can't get another story going. (I like coming up with new material, though. I don't think I could recycle an assignment.)

It's three o'clock and I still haven't showered. It's gross, I know, but I work better when I know I can't go anywhere.

I've got to say this, though, I really feel good right now. I'm starting to notice a correlation between my mood and my writing productivity. For the past couple of months I've thought that if an opportunity to write for a living came up I'd leave library behind in a heartbeat. How practical is that? I don't need to make a lot of money, but I don't want to be poor.

Noon to Four

I'm going to get through work today and then I can come home to write. I'm thinking about writing a fiction story based on my seventh grade experience with being teased, pranked, and tormented by a clique of popular girls. It was a nightmare for me and it made my social anxiety so much worse. Not only did I get this after starting at a new school, I had to go through high school with those same bitches. I think it'll feel good to write about it.

Rolling Downhill

I've been feeling my mood slip down for a few days and today I truly felt depressed. I went to dinner with Wright and the whole time I was fighting to keep my mood up. Later we ran to the store for a few things and then went out for coffee where I started to have trouble holding up.

There's no way I know of to avert depression, but I'm glad that my mood swings aren't very dramatic. I'll figure out what'll make me feel better, but sometimes this just happens and maybe I just need to cry and beat my pillow. Stress. It's shitty.

I think this has been coming on for a few weeks but because I was working out I postponed it. My workout was cancelled this week so I think the depression finally caught up with me.

I think next time you hear from me I'll be great. Happy and positive. Send me some positive vibes though. I could use 'em.

Just Stopping In For A Minute

I'm going to take this opportunity to ask for story ideas. I need to write a story tomorrow and post it. I have no idea what to write about. I can't think about much else so I'm gonna get out of here.

Watching Dominoes

Earlier today I volunteered to collect the teacher evaluations and take them to the English office, then I casually talked about my past experiences with marijuana in an anthropology discussion (yes Mom, if you ever read this, I admit I've tried weed). It just keeps getting easier and easier to open my mouth and speak up.

I've had a lot of trepidation about a summer lit. class considering it's open to both graduate students and undergrads, but I've been worrying less and less about looking stupid. It's not even so much about looking stupid as it's about feeling ashamed of looking stupid, if that's clear at all. I would just rather not care what the other people thought of me if I'm contributing to the discussion and I'm learning something. That feeling is my goal.

Here's something that surprised me: my good friend with bipolar disorder has officially come out of the closet with it today. He told me, and he's told other close friends in the past, but he's always been ashamed of the stigma surrounding a mental disorder (I can relate). Today he discussed it with my professor, who also has BPD, then he casually dropped it into a conversation with someone else. I'm so proud of him! He said it's helped him to talk with me and to see how I've been dealing with - and overcoming - my anxiety disorder. That makes me happier than I can tell you! And I have to just stress to anyone reading this: it's never a good idea to hold onto these troubles and try to deal with them yourself. Like my friend told me today, internalizing the problem for these past few years has damaged him.

It's not exactly a huge domino effect, but progress builds as you can see and eventually branches out. I'm getting further and further and now so is someone else.

I Triple Dog Dare Ya!

I really like getting feedback here. So far, my thanks to Theresa for chiming in. I'm trying to think of how I can make this thing more interactive. I like the idea of challenges that push me past my boundaries. I'm thinking of soliciting requests - dares, if you will, to get me out there. It actually makes me a little sick to my stomach if I think about it too long. That's a good sign, right?

Spicy and Sad

Watching Precious with the roommate. It's late and I'm sleepy but I really want to see the end of this movie. So sad.

Had thai with Wright after class tonight. I love me some green curry.

I'm not very coherent right now. Gotta get some sleep soon and do laundry in the morning.

Will May Be Better?

I've been looking forward to the end of the semester because I want these classes to end, but lately I've been imagining how much better everything will be. I'll have more time for writing, reading, exercising.

I'm making excuses and looking forward to a "better time" that will probably be no different. So, how can I get inspired about the crap I have to do for school? Because that's what I keep avoiding and what stresses me out the most. I have a feeling that summer and fall will be more of the same. Negativity? Yes. Feeling a little down over here. I think I need to get up to Michigan to see the family very soon.

Not a Good Start to the Week

This morning I blew off a intern meeting at school with the internship coordinator and slept.

Then I woke up at 10:30 and scrambled to get ready for my 11:00 class. Do I need to say I was late? I got to the room with only about ten minutes left of class and Rebecca made a show of my lateness by saying, "Well look who decided to show up at the last possible minute . . . with different hair."

I decided to use my hair as an indicator of my level of determination to make it to class by saying, "Oh, I just didn't have any time to do it." She asked if I straightened it, I said yes, we went back to business. It was cool. I thought about it a minute later and wondered if I would have to straighten it for the next couple of weeks now. I mean, I can't say I didn't have time one day and then give up straightening it the next and the next and the next, can I? I'm being silly. I know.

Happy Easter!

Tonight I went to an Easter dinner and I introduced Wright to a couple of my friends. I see a very outgoing side of him usually, but tonight he was nervous, as anyone would be, and he told me later that he gets bad social anxiety in family gathering situations. I forget that some people only have social anxiety in certain social situations, since I have it in just about any situation (generalized social anxiety).

Well, he was charming and witty and I had no idea. Some people hide it very well. Anyway, I have something to tell y'all.

Take time to put down your burdens and relax.

I recently read a nice analogy that said when you hold a glass of water up for a minute, no problem, an hour and your arm hurts, a day - you might need an ambulance. The same with stress; if you try to manage stressful crap all the time without giving yourself a break you'll crack.

I'm going to keep that in mind this week. After a wonderful, relaxing weekend with Wright, I'm so incredibly behind on my homework. I will be stressed, but I needed this weekend.

What Makes Me Happy:

Thank you Theresa for the comments and suggestions! It really keeps me encouraged to hear something positive about my posts. The one about the scholarship essay still makes me so happy. I don't know where the award suggestion can apply, but I like where her head is at!

I hope this makes you happy:

I've been very unmotivated lately. I don't know the reason, but it could be anything. I blamed school at first, however, it may be allergies. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I want more energy! I'm looking forward to finding out the summer fitness schedule at the gym. I want to get into yoga this summer. I'm hoping it will help me manage stress and get more flexible.

I unveiled a new look yesterday. I call it Low Maintenance Hair Sarah. Basically, I put mousse in my hair and let it curl up instead of flat ironing it. I was surprised to get very positive responses to it. I think I'll have to go with the curly look for the summer since the humidity just won't allow for straightness in hair as long as mine so I'm glad I won't look like a dork. I'll get pics up soon so you can see the difference.

What's Next?

That was fun, now I need a new challenge. Any ideas? I still have to warm up to speaking in front of people. How can I arrange a small engagement to prepare for? I'm not really sure who I can speak to and what to speak about. A small speaking opportunity would be a perfect challenge for me, though. I'll need to look around for something . . .

I actually wanted to go to the gym this morning but it was closed for the holiday weekend. I hope I still have this motivation next week.

Next week my classes will be tough. Two weeks left in this semester, so profs are expecting everything they assigned for the end of the semester to get to them now. I'm not making progress on my anthropology papers so I have to work hard on those. I'm going to enjoy the long weekend though. The weather is beautiful!

Just Got Back From the Gym . . . You Know, No Big Deal.

I feel great! I went up to the ARC with my ipod on and a bottle of water in my hand telling myself I was confident and this is fun. First thing I did was head to the elliptical and as I studied the console, I thought about my earlier post. I didn't know what I was supposed to push to set a program, so I just started pushing buttons. Finally I saw a button that said something like Glute Blaster, which I thought sounded cool so I hit that and stepped on.

Ten minutes of that and I was panting and sweating and ready for a cool-down, so I walked up to the track and did a couple laps, just walking and relaxing.

I wanted to work on the machines to tone my legs, but when I walked around them all I couldn't find any of the machines that I like to use except for the one that tones the outer thigh. I used that one for a little while and then went back to wandering through the machines but the more I walked around the more conspicuous I started to feel. I wanted to work on my quads and hamstrings. Where are those machines? I wanted to know, but I didn't want to ask. I think I can ask in the future, but I just wanted to be invisible this time.

I feel really positive about today. I've been able to rationalize that others in the gym aren't judging me; they're working on their own fitness, and I have every right to be there to take care of myself, too. It'll take more trips to the gym to really get comfortable with this idea, but today was a big step for me.

It's finally here

Just a quick posting to say that today is gym day. It's finally here. I'm nervous and I keep picturing scenarios in my head. In some of them things are fine, in others I can't figure out how to program the Stairmaster and there are so many people I can't get on a machine.

I want to try to relax and have fun with this. Let's get this over with.