Get Me Back on Track

I've been pushing writing to the back because of a visiting sister and a trip home, but I need to put some words down. I've only managed a few hundred in the past several days and I need to get more. It's hard to focus when my schedule changes like this.

After having car trouble on the way up to see my family, I've started dreading a visit to my parents' house. I don't want to hear my dad grumbling about my problems with cars. When he finds out I forgot my papers for the car at home he'll be even more annoyed.

I just impregnated my protagonist. She's not very excited about it, either, considering her husband let her down big time. I hope things get better for her soon.

So Far...

I'm happy that a reader has questions for me about the writing project I'm working on, however, I prefer questions be handled here on the blog, so this is what I have so far:

My main character is a specialist trying to develop new techniques in raising animals for food, when a strain of resistant bacteria kills thousands and its scope of contamination extends beyond tainted meat. Testing by the DoA on soil and water reveal negative results. Meanwhile, farmers slaughter cattle and dump the bodies in an attempt to void their herds of contaminates.

That's all I have just yet. I wanted to do something with my character taking action after her ideas were ignored, but I don't have a great plan for that. I wanted her to do something about the cattle slaughter, but I don't have that worked out yet. I'm just gonna go with whatever and see what happens. I don't have time to play around with details. Plus, excessive planning will slow my creativity down.

I made her husband an organic farmer and professor of agriculture, or professor of something like that, and I don't see him being fully supportive of illegal activities, but there's some sort of support there.

I want my character to get beaten by the cops and go to prison and have families protest her trial to blame her for trying to kill more people. Mothers holding signs of their dead children and telling her she is horrible for trying to spread the disease. In the end, I think she had the right idea and her suggestions will be followed with positive results, but she won't be credited with them. She'll be let out, her job will be gone and she'll go to work on her husband's farm, maybe.

Any thoughts?

Time to Relax

OK, I'm not really going to relax and be lazy. I don't want to. A friend suggested I sign up for the novel workshop class next semester, but it's full and I can't. I said I still wanted to write a novel along with my friends in the class, so I'm getting started now. I have to figure out what I want to write about by the end of the day tomorrow, and get started on it. So far, I have no idea what I want to write about. I did just decide this about a half hour ago though.

I'm looking through my writing notebook for ideas. I want something fun and light. Most of my pending story ideas are pretty heavy and require research that I don't have time for.

I'll be referring to the NaNoWriMo web site for some help on this. Luckily, I have over four months to write my novel. Gonna check this out at the library. Has some good reviews at Amazon.

Now, to get thinking. I'm thinking it should be a relationship sorta story. Something I won't have to research. Any ideas out there would be welcome. Please share!!

Follow Through

I had a consultation with my feature writing professor, Dr. Gailey, a few days ago and she gave me loads of encouragement, but she said she wants me to work on following through with writing projects more. The meeting was about a revision for my second feature, which I still haven't submitted to her. Despite teaching for thirty years, she said I was possibly the best writer she's ever had. That's a comment I don't think I'll ever forget. She said she sees so much potential in me, and it's hard to describe what that kind of recognition means to me. She invited me to take her documentary II class in the spring even though I haven't taken doc I, a prereq for the course, because she said she's really wanted me in the class ever since she read my first feature.

I'll be hearing soon whether I got the assistant features editor job at The Echo or not, and if I do get it I'll be forced to follow through on writing stories on a regular basis. Dr. Gailey thinks I should be the editor rather than the assistant, and while that's not an option since that position has been filled, I couldn't see myself having that much control. I've never seen myself as a leader, and I really couldn't imagine it.

Buh-Bye Fall '10

Latest article for the school newspaper was printed. Not very good, but it's practice.

The semester is almost over and, with only a few more papers to work on and one exam to prepare for, I feel myself slowly returning to my normal self. This break will be very much appreciated since my return to classes next semester will be more intense than this past semester. I'm trying not to think about it too much.

I'm worried that I'm not dealing with stress very well. It's taking a toll on my body, but I'm sure now that it's the reason I've been so apathetic about school these past few semesters. I don't want to exercise, which would be a great way to reduce stress, and I don't have anyone to have sex with, which would be my preferred method of stress reduction, so I'm not sure what I'm going to do about it.

Local woman lays down law

CHATTANOOGA, Tenn. — After months of chaos and compromise, Chattanooga woman Sarjen, 30, decided to enforce stricter rules in her suburban apartment home regarding her cousin, Joseph, 14, who moved into the apartment Aug. from Mich.

Photo of Chattanooga woman, Sarjen, at her wits end. Note
her disheveled appearance and angry expression.
Cameraman Mike had to dodge a fist after taking this photo.

     Sarjen, who had previously given the only bedroom to Joseph, took the room back and reorganized the apartment furniture. She cleaned the kitchen and sorted laundry as a start to what she called, "The new clean regime." 

      The regime was her carefully constructed plan to maintain a clean living space and would require regular chores by Joseph.

     "I love Joe," Sarjen said, "And these chore requirements aren't a punishment for his hurtful disrespect towards me, but a plan for a clean home that will make him happy and comfortable living here."

     There has been no word yet from Joseph on how he feels about the new changes. 

     "That's probably because he doesn't know about them yet," Sarjen added.

     In addition to the added chores, Joseph will lose computer and phone privileges until they have been earned. A new incentive program Sarjen calls, "Responsible parenting for the good of the child." Earning of these privileges will be outlined at a later date, but Sarjen feels optimistic about the success.

     "I don't know if things will work out with Joe living here for long, but while he's here I plan on finding things for him to do with his time besides staring at screens. He has so many opportunities for a better life here, but now he's going to have to earn them."

I Won't Be Flying Anytime Soon

"At the heart of the controversy over 'body scanners' is a promise: The images of our naked bodies will never be public. U.S. Marshals in a Florida Federal courthouse saved 35,000 images on their scanner.These are those images."

I want to write something about this... I'll be working on it.

A little something I read somewhere online today: 
Time magazine says that “It’s no secret that eating something tasty and having sex are pleasurable, anxiety-reducing activities. But researchers studying stress responses in rats found that sex and food could reduce anxiety even over the long term, for up to 7 days.”
Good news for people with significant others.


I have interviews to do today. I hate doing interviews because I suck at them. Wish me luck. 

Is This Crazy

I want to do some editing, so I've been looking on Craigslist for editing jobs and offering people with book manuscripts free editing in exchange for a recommendation. It's just an internship as far as I see it, although it's a lot of work. I think in the long run it'll pay off both in additions to my resume and in experience editing long works. Is it practical, though? I have a tough semester coming up.

I've been going over my book from advanced expository writing called The Well-Crafted Sentence. It's a great book for learning how to improve your writing style, and it helps pinpoint issues in writing that keep it from sounding fresh. I definitely recommend this book to writers who feel like they need to elevate the level of sophistication in their sentence construction.

I haven't been feeling motivated to read lately and it bothers me. There is so much to read and I feel like I'm wasting some great opportunities to learn new stuff, but sometimes a person just doesn't feel like reading and unfortunately right now is that time for me. I haven't been very hardworking at all lately, though, and I don't know why that is.

Chop Shop

After having two workshops in my fiction writing class, I now hate my fiction writing class.

I was corresponding with one of my classmates about it and I told him that I feel like an utter failure as a writer after our class rips up my work. He tried to tell me that it was just the nature of workshops, but I held to the belief that it's not. I've had several classes where we've workshopped writing and they've always helped me to see the flaws in my writing and turn my work into a better product.

This class is not like that. It feels to me that sometimes it's insecurity that's driving the students' harshness and lack of interest in helping out a fellow writer, but I'm not sure if that's what it is. Maybe they just aren't very experienced writers. The professor I really don't get though. He seldom gives actual positive feedback. And I don't think he's praised anything of mine yet. He should know that beginning writers need a little encouragement and that doesn't mean lying to them. Just let them know they don't suck at writing.

This is a rant, I know. And it sounds very much like I'm blaming everyone but myself, but I'm not trying to, really. I'm just trying to make sense of such a bad experience in a class that's about producing the type of writing I love. It's been disappointing to me, but I'm very thankful I have my feature writing class this semester. Workshops there have helped me produce writing that's suitable for mass media and has been printed in a newspaper. I've learned a lot and gained so much confidence from that class.

It's been hard for me to get to the revisions I have to make on my fiction story. I appreciated the suggestions I got, but I just don't feel motivated to produce more writing for fiction class. The writing is not satisfying at all. I don't like the feeling of putting so much effort into telling a story and then getting nothing from the reader but criticism and disappointment. I know what being a writer means; it means often hearing that someone doesn't like what you wrote. There is usually some safety among other writers, though, and I don't feel that at all with the fiction class.

I Luvz teh Kittez

Just cuz a fellow blogger posted a cute pic and I've recently fallen in love with these kitties... I give you LOLCat.

... and a couple for Theresa. :)

(Forced) Sex on the Beach

Burped gin again
Warm worm of vomit abates
Wash the stars and moons from
Around my eyes
The too-strong stink of sex and drink
My stiff, scratchy towel
Won't scrub away

A sham of a date in the dim
Din of beach waves
Passing over me
His hands mashed
The tips of my tits raw

The riotous ride I tried
To flee
But groggy and smashed
I sunk like a stone
Washed by swells of lust
And amid the dunes, cold
And alone, I awoke

Yeah, I Play Around With Words Sometimes

It's fun to put words together and see how they sound. Lately I've been putting Boggle words together as poems and seeing what they make. It makes me happy.

Romance in the Rubble

He shat atop a tire,
A homemade toilet seat
As I talked with him of friends
Of money and of better things.
We two enjoyed the setting day
In our sheltered garbage heap.

"Bring me the rosiest and broadest
Of those leaves in yonder spray,"
He said,
"And I'll finish up and take you
To the Old Country Buffet."

So our evening plans were made,
In the scarce autumn shade,
As he shat atop a tire,
A homemade toilet seat.

After a Grope

Stout and sweaty
She nods her head
To the beat
Dry, dirty snot on her lip
Beer slosh to each
Bump to her hip
Soot on her ass
From the rub
And riding on the den
Hearth cold and
Clothes flung
Minutes ago now

Leering through the
Smoky blue music mire
She slaps her thigh
And bats her eye

Shallow Grave

Fuck a slob
Deep in the woods
Suck the fat lobes
The vogue love-beat

Handing the goods
With a slap
Snapping the log and
Gushing wet sap
The still wood goes
To bed

I crunch the nuts as
Tripping back in
Dark passages bated
With the beating of
Wings like breath
I helm your death

Boggle Poem

I've been writing poems from my Boggle words a lot lately. I don't strictly limit myself to the words I found in the game, but they highly influence the words I choose and determine the direction the poem takes. I don't claim to enjoy poetry or even try to write good poems, but it's fun to write bad ones. Here's my latest:

A fox like Joe
Sleeps beside the sofa on the floor
Weeps crocodile tears with a grin
And jests to get more
You can't win shat
With this rat

Bite and tear he shall
This brat will still dupe
You to do what you refused before
The task that you asked
Still undone

But complete is his ease
With a snort you know he's
Fast asleep on his face on the floor

I was angry with Joe last night, so that actually might have influenced the direction of this poem a little more than the Boggle words.

Editors Ruin Everything

I have another article in print, and just like the last one, the editor made it sound worse than it did before! She took out the dramatic intro, cut things that worked and actually removed the first reference to the playwright at the beginning, leaving the second and only reference -halfway through the feature - as the first and leaving it just the last name! Just "Treadwell." I know this is confusing and you don't know what I'm talking about, but here, just see for yourself.

It's awful, I know. I used the word "electrified" as a cute pun (OK, I know that could be tasteless since the protagonist was killed in the electric chair, but I don't think it is.), and the editor removed it. There's something off about it and I haven't yet compared it to my draft, but it used to flow and now it just blows. This kind of stuff makes me almost want to give up, but I won't. It's too much fun to pick up a paper and see my name above a story.

Plays, Puns and Burning Out In the End

I turned in my Echo feature about the theater department's play. I think it was OK, although I struggled to make it in time for the deadline. I love writing, but sometimes it's hard coming up with the words. I'll get another chance to improve after next week. (There's no paper during Thanksgiving week.)

My sister said she liked how I used "newspaper puns" in my Pulse story. I thought about that and I noticed that I was drawn to using them in my piece about the play. It's funny, when I read stories that use corny puns it annoys me, but I go ahead and use them in my writing.

I registered for spring classes and all I can say is it's going to be rough. I have some notoriously tough classes with notoriously tough professors. I'm sure I'll make it through just fine, but I'll have to push through some major burnout. I'm struggling through it now and I can just imagine how bad it'll be during my last semester.

I have to stay for the summer, sadly. The internship and a computer class are the last things I have to complete before I graduate. It occurred to me that I won't be able to take another class with Rebecca Cook or Jennifer Beech and that makes me sad. They are the two writing professors that have influenced me the most and I really loved being in their classes. If they both offered writing classes in the summer I'd be in them for sure, but I don't think that's going to happen.

Boo Hoo

I want to make people cry. I've been trying to do that for a couple weeks now and I don't think I've even come close yet.

I want people to cry at my story. I'm talking about the one I adapted from the news story about the executions. I think I mentioned this one on here before. Anyway, I think it's come along very well in the last week, but it doesn't have the tension and the emotional gravity that it needs.

Today in workshop one of my classmates had the satisfaction of hearing that she caused one person in class to cry, and others were saddened by her story. It made me want it even more. I want them to weep.

I'm not mean, and I think you all know that (although, I was taking a great deal of enjoyment from my cousin, Joe, getting a root canal today).

Oh, and I'm now volunteering to write feature stories for the school newspaper, The Echo. I'll be turning in my first story on Sunday to be printed in next week's paper.

Networking

For one of my classes I have to write a column for a newspaper. I thought boo! I don't have anything to write a column about. But I'm finding that it's more fun to write than it sounds. Out of sports, life, entertainment, politics, international, and business, I chose life. My column is about off-campus life, and in it I discuss the things that make life different for a student who has never lived on a college campus and never will.

In the first column I wrote about parking, roommate problems and having my cat, Puppy. It's kind of rough, though, so I want to write another column today to see if I can get it smoother.

I haven't been sticking to my schedule. That may be because I've been fighting off a cold for most of this week, but next week should be better.

While I was interviewing a source yesterday, it occurred to me to see if I could get a client, too. The subject I was interviewing works at one of my former jobs and I asked him to pass my card along to a man in the office I thought might have some work for me. I'll be following up on that next week.

Revision Reunion

I had an interesting experience in my fiction writing class today that I want to share. I was forced into a revision that I didn't want to do.

The professor had told us to bring a work in progress that we could practice revising and, of course, I forgot to grab something. The only piece of work I had in my backpack was the first workshop story I had written for that class. I was dissatisfied with the story when I was writing it because it wasn't what I wanted to say, but I hadn't had enough time to devote to it. When I submitted it to the class for critique the whole thing jumped around, it didn't explain enough to the reader, and there wasn't a development in the plot. I didn't expect good things from my readers. And I didn't get anything positive from them when it came time to discuss it.

After workshop I hated the story entirely. I felt like I had tried to make a relationship work out with someone who turned out to be incompatible with me and it ended in a lousy break up. I didn't want to see its opening paragraph ever again. I thought it best if we parted ways and never spoke to each other again. I remember feeling reluctant for a while afterwards of starting any new stories because I was afraid I'd have a repeat of the last one.

Here I was today, forced to confront this past fling and try to make it work. I went into it with an open mind, though. I didn't think it could really disappoint me more than it already had. So, I started pointing out its faults and suggesting improvements. I blocked out so many bad mistakes. If we could only find the areas that worked...

There were parts that I felt were telling the essence of the story, so I circled those, and there were a couple scenes in particular that involved good character interaction. I think I'll actually spend more time with this story in the future. I think we might actually have a future. There's still a lot of work ahead for us, but this was a pretty good revision experience for me.

Re Vision

I have a tough time with revising. In all the times I've done it it hasn't been bad, but I still dread going over my work and trying to see it with fresh eyes. I have a big problem distancing myself from the work. Sometimes, when I let the censor in, I end up hating the whole project. I have several stories that bombed in workshop and I couldn't go back to.

I like the basic tips in this article. It's good for a reminder. I think a big part of the problem is that I just don't care enough about my writing right now. I don't really know why that is.

(I just reread and revised this post.)

In an effort to make myself more efficient now that I don't have a job, yet still haven't gotten more writing done, I've created a daily schedule. I'll get on it tonight and see over the course of the week how it works for me.

(I almost revised this post again, but I stopped caring. What's wrong with me?)

I'll get to work on revisions and maybe I'll have a breakthrough. In the meantime I'll also be developing and writing my new stories.

One more thing, I've been having an extremely hard time staying away from facebook. And my will power is horrible. What should I do? I allotted time for Internet at night and during school, but I'm not sure I'll be able to stay off. The sad part is that I just want to see what's happened since I left, like I'm afraid I'll miss something. I don't like it.

Thirty

That's all I kept thinking about yesterday. I'm thirty years-old. Now, I'm not complaining. I'm very happy that I've had thirty years and I hope I get to stick around for a whole lot more, but I would just like to have a few more accomplishments to my name. That's all.

I had a good birthday, even if it was boring. Joey (my 14-year-old cousin) and I watched a movie, I drank wine. I gave him some. Is this starting to sound a little creepy? He didn't drink much of the little bit I gave him, but the idea was to let him have a little alcohol so it would seem less romantic, off-limits and appealing, and then maybe he wouldn't think getting trashed was as awesome as a lot of other teens do.

Yesterday I got a ridiculous deal on a digital audio recorder. Originally $109.00, I got it for $54.00 at Best Buy. What's wrong with this thing? I wondered about it. I'm skeptical. I'm also pretty broke and I need to do some interviews. The recorder I had was being unreliable and wouldn't record when I needed it to. This one feels like a lightweight piece of garbage, though.

I wrote about five pages of a short story that I based off of a story in the newspaper Friday. It's about two girls in Somalia who were accused by militants of being spies and were executed by a firing squad in front of the members of their town. Unwilling witnesses to the executions, the people who watched were outraged and horrified. I don't know how much of the story can be real. I want to use the real names of the victims. I also don't want to have to make up a village. I can use the true info, can't I?

So far I haven't been able to pick up a job. It's disappointing but at least I can focus on school. Speaking of, I think I'm ready to graduate. I have some bad senioritis. All I can think of anymore is getting writing jobs and working. Adding a second major will be worth it, but staying that extra semester is gonna suck.



I've had this song stuck in my head lately. It's so fun though.

This week should go by pretty quickly now. Tomorrow I have two classes, then one quick one Friday morning. I want to get to work on the profile I'm writing next. The words should come pretty easily for this one.

I've been wanting to read this book, but I haven't gotten the time. Reviews look pretty good. The book doesn't officially release for a couple more weeks, but I have an advanced copy from one of the librarians. It starts off really well. I think I need to sit down and read it. Jeez. I don't think I'm ever going to get to read all the things I want to. Seems like I find another book I want to read every day.

Submitting the Draft

I love being in the position to send a draft of an article to a professional editor and get it back for revisions without ever submitting it to a publication. School is great for that. My professor was a magazine editor, and goes through my work line-by-line, looking at sentences and figuring out what I can do better.

I have to figure out where I'm going to send my article when it's done, but I'm sure it'll find a market somewhere.

Today I start on the profile I've been wanting to write for a year. I'm so excited to tell this story. I don't plan on giving the details here, but when it's published I'll put the link up.

I think I'm gonna reread this book by Ralph Keyes. A pep talk would be nice right now.


I still haven't heard back from a few of the writing jobs I applied for. I thought they would have been good experience for me, but it doesn't look like it's meant to be. I'll keep looking, anyway.

Interviewing Issues

I'm working on a story about the recent legalization of guns in establishments that serve alcohol, and my angle was on local bar owners and patrons who disagree with the relaxed gun laws.

Earlier today I interviewed Basil Marceaux. For those who don't know that name, he's a former gubernatorial candidate for Tennessee. He's also insane. My question for him was: "Will you please clarify this statement that you made: 'I want everyone to have a gun. . . . I think that if someone doesn’t have one, maybe I’ll fine them $10.'?"
He proceeded to tell me about how this country is made up of two governments and that the people should be armed to protect themselves from their governments. He wanted to leave me with a question, but I could hardly make it out. It was something like, "If you go to Afghanistan and they point a gun at you, what will your government do for you?" 

I politely told him that his question would be better asked of someone with the qualifications to answer it, then thanked him for his time.

It was a relief to get off the phone with him!

I had lately been feeling discouraged by the direction my interviews were taking. Aside from Basil, I had spoken with a young woman who owned a gun, and had worked at the nearby Hooter's Restaurant where their gun policy is prominently displayed. She was all for people keeping a gun for safety. I next spoke with an owner of a popular bar. He is himself a card carrying member of the NRA. The predominance of pro-gun sources made me unhappy, and I though my article was doomed. Then I realized that my sources actually agreed with the popular opinion all around: guns should NOT be in bars. I found that I had a story after all. Now I just have to stop blogging and write it.

Do What You Love

I've recently quit my job at the library and I've been looking into freelance writing. It's something I can do part-time while I'm in school, and guess what: it pays pretty well. Even the low priced freelance writers are able to make $45/hour.

I'm reading The Well-Fed Writer, How To Open and Operate a Home-Based Writing Businessand Writing For Money. I recently checked this book out from my library. It'd be nice if my library had a better selection, but these should be fine for now.

I recently had an article published in The Chattanooga Pulse. I was very happy to see something I've written finally make it to a public medium. It's not going to keep me afloat financially, though. I'll have to find some other ways of making money. This kind of stuff will just allow me to have some freedom with what I write.

To gain some experience doing promotional materials, I've been working with a client in town on print ads, press releases, fliers and a brochure. This is only to gain experience, however, and not a paid job.

I have sufficient education and enough experience to go for professional work, although my experience is very limited. I expect to start work at $30-$40/hour until I've proven that I deserve a raise (a concept that makes me smile). Here's my card:

I don't have much to list just yet, but these are enough to start. I plan to add grant writing, Web content and technical writing to my resume eventually.

I've considered working for a certain online company, but I'm not sure I'm comfortable with the rates they offer. $5/article seems silly to me. I'm not exactly sure what they're looking for based on the directions they gave me, which were basically: write a 450 word article about Viagra for altitude sickness and add lots of links to other sites. Who would be reading this?

Involving Myself

I think it would benefit me greatly to get involved in my community. I don't really know a good place to start. I want to do something to promote bicycling in Chattanooga and to make it a hundred times more bike-friendly than it is. I also want to encourage urban gardening.

I considered a balcony/patio garden competition at my apartment complex. I thought it would encourage people to grow food, use the space outdoors for something productive and to beautify their home space. I thought a prize basket and a yard/balcony sign would be sufficient. I've just never been in charge of organizing anything and as July gets closer time runs out.

I've tried to find ways to open up more by focusing on my own life, but I think a better aim is to focus on everybody's problems and look for support and solutions. We should all be more active and educate ourselves and each other about what is going on. It's hard to stay quiet when you see something happening that needs to change.

Need To Get Back In Things ... and Stuff

This blog was originally intended to make me consider my anxiety more frequently and think of ways to overcome it. Lately, I haven't wanted to do anything, though. I feel very low on energy and ambition. I still want things but I don't want to work toward them. I don't know if this is a natural period of rest or a minor depression. I've been resting for weeks and I still don't feel more energized. I had an article idea that I loved, but I've once again given up after the rough draft.

I need something...

Excuse Me, I Need a Refill

Sitting at a restaurant, sipping coffee and trying to get my head on straight. I don't know anything anymore.

Last Sunday I had a burst of inspiration and I sat down to the computer trying to get everything out of my head and onto the page. Today I feel empty. It's strange how capricious my bouts of ideas can be. I would rather thoughts came slowly and steadily than all at one moment and then not at all.

Here's a thing: couples with babies make me want to have a child; couples with children make me happy I'm not a mom.

Wright submitted a second article for publication and it still hasn't appeared in the magazine. I'm glad. Today was supposed to be the day that we both submit something and I don't have anything. I think I need a new writing partner. Wright doesn't inspire me anymore. It's not his fault though. I just fear being read and it keeps me from getting something done and ready to get out.

New Day

Today is the first day of Summer 2 a.m. classes. All went well and I was not too nervous when I had to introduce myself. I get to learn some cool new programs in this class like photoshop and in design. I hope this class is as fun as the professor says it is.

I'm a Happy Girl.

I just am. I feel inspired. I'm writing some articles about environmental issues and corporations corrupting the government. I've been watching documentaries and learning a lot. I'm writing letters. I'm looking for ways to speak up.

Tomorrow's the last day of my first summer class. I didn't perform as well as I would have liked, but I learned so much I don't care if I get a B. I've realized I'm so comfortable in a communication class that I easily participate.

I know that there are still situations that inspire terror in me, but I'm finding my niche and that makes a difference.

I don't have a lot of challenges these days, which is why I haven't been updating regularly, but I plan to challenge myself more. Soon, I hope to post a link to my article in the alumni newsletter. My first official published writing. I'll keep working on something for pay and mainstream, though.

Breathing Again

Today was so hectic I barely had a chance to think. I made it to both of my interviews, however, and my sources were very sweet and helpful.

I'm exhausted. I think I'm going to get a bottle of wine. Usually I don't drink, and it's not that I feel like I "need it," but it sounds nice.

Today is Wright's birthday. I might surprise him with a cake.

Prepping For Q & A

I'm getting prepared for my interviews tomorrow. I'll be meeting with 2 UTC alums to talk about finding employment in the current economic atmosphere. So far I haven't come up with anything fantastic in the way of questions. I guess I'm not real sure what my focus is in this story. I need to work a little harder on getting a good direction for my inquiries.

I'm not as nervous right now about the actual interviewing as I am about making it to both interviews on time and then to work right after. I'll be beat tomorrow afternoon for sure, but I hope I'll have everything I need.

First Story!

My media writing professor assigned me a real story today. I'll get to do my first 2 interviews ever next week! I'm so excited. This is new to me and I think it'll do great things for my writing.

On top of that, it's going to be published in the alumni newsletter. I may have missed the deadline for my own topic, but I'll soon get something I've written out for the public, albeit a small portion of the public and for free. But I don't care. I just want practice and an opportunity to branch out.

I must admit, I'm nervous about the interviews. I want to be professional, but also personable. I think I'll put too much pressure on myself so I'm going to try not to. I have to get prepared! I need to go into these interviews with some good background info and a direction for the piece.

Missed A Deadline

It's the 20th and I haven't submitted anything. I wish things had turned out as they were supposed to, but it's okay; I'll get something out there very soon. I promise.

I'm getting excited about reporting. I can't wait to take more classes and eventually get an internship with a media publication. I'm also getting interested in activism against the food industry, specifically factory farms. I want to do something with my writing that draws attention to the conditions of the animals and the treatment of the meat people put into their bodies every day -- sometimes at every meal. I want my message to impact people and go far. I stopped eating meat about a month ago, and I watched the documentary Food, Inc. last night, which made me very happy I made that decision.

I need to do more research about libel laws before I say anything in the media, and I need to know more of the facts. But this is important.

Back To It

I've been absent for some time because of a very hectic schedule. I had to get back into a routine after my move, and while I'm still adjusting to the changes, I feel very good about what's happened recently.

I have to mention that I have my first niece. Lindsay Noelle Smith was finally born to my older sis and her husband. She's healthy, perfect, and completely adorable. I can't wait to see her in person.

I love my media writing class. I struggled to keep up at first because I was juggling two classes, but I dropped one so that I could focus better. This class, and the great professor, will teach me so much about writing for mass media.

I'm about to start work, so I'll have to wait until later to share more details, but I'll be back soon!

Jitters and Other First Day Things

So far I'm two classes down for the day and I already have lots of homework to get to.

I'm worried about the class tonight, but I know it'll be better than I imagine it will be.

In one of my classes we had to tell something interesting about ourselves, which made me freak out inside, but I just said that I'm thinking about becoming a librarian, that people always used to tease me about my last name, and that I'm not going into education because I'm not comfortable speaking in front of people and I never will be. The class is aimed for education majors, so I felt I should mention that, but the teacher said that's fine and took note of my public speaking comment. I'm glad. I wanted to use that opportunity to mention my anxiety, since the prof will require us each to do a few short lessons for the class. I'm feeling a little less nervous . . . but only a little.

Omigod Omigod Omigod

I'm trying to keep from having a panic attack. I just read the syllabi for two of my classes. We'll be doing presentations. I hate this. I haven't even gone to class yet and I'm already thinking about dropping them. I can't let myself do this. I hate classroom presentations so much and these are 400-level classes with higher expectations. I know that I'm just feeling insecure and I should just trust my intellect here, but I can't help it. I feel like a child trying to fit in with the grown-ups.

I need to follow through and I need to do the best I can. This will be good for me, right? I'm not going to worry about writing deadlines for now. . . unless it's related to a class. Things just got interesting.

Title

I want to change the title of my blog. I think about anxiety every day, because I experience it every day, but I don't necessarily want to write about it every day. I'd prefer to blog about writing and overcoming anxiety, and since I pretty much already do, I just need to change my title or subtitle. Any suggestions?

To change the subject, I've realized recently that I very much love being independent. The last relationship I was in was unhealthy, and I know that when I meet the right guy it won't feel like I'm giving up my freedom, but being single again is a relief. I hated having to tell someone what I was doing and who I was going out with. I don't like working at a relationship and giving up time that I can be writing or doing something else for myself. I'm selfish, but I'll change when I find someone who makes me want to.

I'm rereading Jane Eyre. I love that book. This is my third time reading it and I love it even more than before.

Come on baby!

I love summer. I had planned on working on a novel this summer after the article, but I'm giving the idea I was going to write to the person I was collaborating with. It was his idea in the first place. I have another idea but I'll have to develop it for a little while before I start. School starts in a few days so I plan on working on characters and conflict until a couple months from now when I'll have more time.

I was just thinking about the summer before last. I spent most of my time during those months in my apartment. I was miserable at home, but afraid to go out. It was hard for me to think of things to do that didn't involve talking to people. I'm so glad I don't feel that way anymore. I'm looking forward to enjoying Chattanooga's beautiful weather.

Also . . . My niece is almost here! (hence the title of today's blog) My awesome sister, Theresa, is in the first stages of labor with her little girl. I'm so excited to see her at last. I can't wait!

A Reward Deserved

I got my grades for the semester and I'm thrilled to have my first 4.0 semester. I took five classes this spring and keeping up was exhausting but I have great grades to show for it.

This summer I'm taking fifteen credit hours and I'm going to try for all A's again. I don't know if I can get my article ready by the 20th if I have to devote so much time to classes, so if it comes down to one or the other I'm choosing school.

I haven't been working out lately and it feels like my life has revolved around school so much that I'm not as happy as I should be. I need some fun in my life. I'll try to be positive. Soon I'll get my new apartment and eventually a puppy. I'll get to see my new niece at the end of the summer and the rest of my family who I miss lots. Life is good.

Whew! I'm Glad That's Over.

Ah. The semester is over, I feel optimistic about my grades, I can finally start working on my article for May 20th, and as soon as I hear back from an apartment manager I think I have a new home. I'm feeling so much better. I couldn't make the trip up to Michigan to see my family, but I'll have more time for a visit in August anyway. I'll be able to see my new niece then, too.

I'm feeling nervous about the article. I know that's a good sign, but I still worry that it's not going to be good enough and I'll get rejected. The silly thing is I'm sure I can handle the actual rejection; I don't know if I would deal well with criticism piled on top of the rejection, but it's rare that an editor offers criticism.

Classes start up in about a week for the summer term. I hope to be vocal in all of them. Participation should be important in all of them, but will be especially necessary in the lit. classes.

Need Shelter, Need Rest

Well, I'm hanging in here although this is the most stressful part of the semester and I'm under so much stress from that AND trying to find a place to live. I'll be checking a place out in the morning. Let's hope it's a good one. As far as school, I'll get it done. I always do. Then I can focus on my writing and getting to the gym. . . until classes start again in a week and a half.

A New Challenge

First thing this morning, I answered a call from Wright telling me that he was published in the local news publication The Pulse. I'm really proud of him and for me this is exciting. Until I met Wright, I didn't think I could try to get my work published yet. Then I found out he was already trying to make it into a publication.

Now that he's made it into something I feel like I could do it too. All I have to do is stop pushing my work aside and thinking it's not good enough. It's time to get serious. Maybe I'll make this my next challenge. Four weeks to submit a work to a news source of some kind. I can get rejected. That's fine. But I have to at least put it out there. Okay, May 20th will be the day. Any suggestions will be welcome. I'm getting nervous already. That's good.

Which Way is Progress?

I'm still trudging through these last few assignments. I chose to relax last night rather than work on the anthro paper I need to turn in today. It's hard to motivate myself these days but that may have been a bad idea last night because I don't have anything written and I still feel unmotivated.

I feel like I'm on a plateau and I can't figure out how to move up. I don't know what to do to push myself farther past my anxiety boundaries, and I don't know how to elevate my writing or get it noticed. I'm sure this will pass. I just wish I could see things falling into place.

Today I need to be productive. I will get my assignments done. I always do. We'll see how today goes...

It All Started In My Childhood...

It's amazing how tired I am at the end of the semester. With all the assignments I need to get done and turned in, I'm constantly worried that I won't make it in time. It makes it hard to do even simple things like update my blog or throw in a load of laundry. All I want to do is sleep. Sleep is so easy and rewarding.

I saw my counselor yesterday. I'm disappointed in her. She has practically nothing to offer me for advice on pushing past my boundaries. All she did yesterday was sit there and listen to me go on about everything that's gone on in the past month. Occasionally she'll ask something, but today I had to do all the work and she gave me nothing. I could have gone to anyone else and gotten more useful guidance - and I plan to. My friends and readers are better counselors that a trained professional. I'm sure of it. So, from now on I'll still go see Angel, but I'll be seeking most of my counsel elsewhere. Yes, I'll probably be coming here with more questions, and feel free to dispense advice.

A New Friend

Just got back from a party at David and Catherine's house. They're a couple of people I've known for a while, and I was so happy to get to spend some time with them at long last. I tried to get Allie to come along but she was too tired so I went alone and caught up with Catherine and Krystal. Lots of old friends. A few new faces. I'm glad I went.

I'm trying to get a dog. I'll be going to look at one tomorrow and she's absolutely adorable. She's a chihuahua/bulldog mix and she's two already. Don't ask me why I feel like I need to get a dog. Sometimes a person just needs a dog.

Isn't she so cute?!

From Absent to Just Absent-Minded

I'm in the end-of-semester rush phase. I'm too busy to think about anything other than writing and anthropology Today is my day off, so I'm catching up on some assignments. Making some progress and that feels good. I hate having so much on my to-do list. It makes my shoulders cramp up.

Last night I caught an oversight in my Fall 2010 class schedule that created a scheduling conflict. I started looking for a way to rework my schedule, but there weren't enough classes offered to make it work and still allow me to take the classes I want to take. I found a different solution.

I changed my minor. I'm now minoring in communications. This is the last possible moment in my college career that I could make a decision like this one, but after having my roommate, Allie, go over my RAP sheet and verifying what I had figured, we found that it would work out. I will have to take twelve hours this summer if I want to ensure that I have plenty of English and communications hours, but it's do-able.

This is great for me, though. Because of the comm. minor, I can take Persuasive Writing, Media Writing, Publication Design, and Mass Communication Perspectives. It'll help me with my writing a lot. I wish I had known these classes existed earlier. I'm glad I screwed up, and really glad that I found out when I did.

Well, getting back to work. I just had to stop in and share the news.

Whew!

My last workshop of the semester is over. The outcome is more of what I've heard before: "What's at stake here?" That will be my writing challenge from now on - to figure out how to make the conflict in my writing stronger and better. Rebecca also wants me to make the stories less conveniently resolved. That issue has a lot to do with the lack of conflict, though. She was still encouraging. She told me she enjoys my writing and the way I have with words. To keep writing stories and writing stories until I get it right.

A few comments from classmates made my day brighter: one said short fiction is my niche and I need to stick with it and make it work for me; another said that although it was nine pages it felt far from it and it flowed really well; one girl told me she really related to this story and she liked the whole thing.

Writing makes me happier than anything else I do in life. I think I mentioned that once, I don't know... It's what I want to do with my life. I want to tell stories and sit at a computer for hours trying to get the words to flow. I want people to read my writing and feel something big coming from inside those little words. There is so much fear in writing and being read that I have yet to overcome. It's another dimension of the anxiety that holds me back from what I desire most out of life. I imagine that a life working in a library and surrounded by books would hold some satisfaction for me if that's where I end up, but writing is the challenge that I believe will fulfill me much more.

I'm going to anthro soon, then to work out. Later.

Not Much Over Here

Today was another day. Tomorrow I get workshopped and it's workout day! I'm excited about tomorrow. I think I'll be pretty happy next time you hear from me.

The Sun is Shining.

It's a beautiful day! I'm feeling much better and it looks like my mood will be improving. I'm a believer that you have to go though the downs so that the ups feel that much better. I just wish I would eat less ice cream when I'm down. I'm pretty stressed, though. Lots of turmoil in my personal life. Although I would hate to sound pessimistic, this good mood is precarious.

Double date idea is out. Scrap that. Wright and I will not be doing that any time soon. I'm still looking for a challenge; the problem is, I don't feel like pushing myself. I think I'll ask people to put me out there somehow. My boss, Della, might be able to get me involved in a teen event. We'll see.

Fulfilled

I always feel so good when I've finished writing something. This time I wrote a short story about the junior high bitches who bullied me. I think I mentioned the idea, I don't remember, but anyway it's done. Now I need to think of a title and post it online for my class to read.

I'll be workshopped tomorrow. . .

Okay, I just left to finish and now I'm back. Title: The Reunion. All done, and it's nine pages so if I can get away with it, I might have it as a backup next semester in the fiction workshop if I can't get another story going. (I like coming up with new material, though. I don't think I could recycle an assignment.)

It's three o'clock and I still haven't showered. It's gross, I know, but I work better when I know I can't go anywhere.

I've got to say this, though, I really feel good right now. I'm starting to notice a correlation between my mood and my writing productivity. For the past couple of months I've thought that if an opportunity to write for a living came up I'd leave library behind in a heartbeat. How practical is that? I don't need to make a lot of money, but I don't want to be poor.

Noon to Four

I'm going to get through work today and then I can come home to write. I'm thinking about writing a fiction story based on my seventh grade experience with being teased, pranked, and tormented by a clique of popular girls. It was a nightmare for me and it made my social anxiety so much worse. Not only did I get this after starting at a new school, I had to go through high school with those same bitches. I think it'll feel good to write about it.

Rolling Downhill

I've been feeling my mood slip down for a few days and today I truly felt depressed. I went to dinner with Wright and the whole time I was fighting to keep my mood up. Later we ran to the store for a few things and then went out for coffee where I started to have trouble holding up.

There's no way I know of to avert depression, but I'm glad that my mood swings aren't very dramatic. I'll figure out what'll make me feel better, but sometimes this just happens and maybe I just need to cry and beat my pillow. Stress. It's shitty.

I think this has been coming on for a few weeks but because I was working out I postponed it. My workout was cancelled this week so I think the depression finally caught up with me.

I think next time you hear from me I'll be great. Happy and positive. Send me some positive vibes though. I could use 'em.

Just Stopping In For A Minute

I'm going to take this opportunity to ask for story ideas. I need to write a story tomorrow and post it. I have no idea what to write about. I can't think about much else so I'm gonna get out of here.

Watching Dominoes

Earlier today I volunteered to collect the teacher evaluations and take them to the English office, then I casually talked about my past experiences with marijuana in an anthropology discussion (yes Mom, if you ever read this, I admit I've tried weed). It just keeps getting easier and easier to open my mouth and speak up.

I've had a lot of trepidation about a summer lit. class considering it's open to both graduate students and undergrads, but I've been worrying less and less about looking stupid. It's not even so much about looking stupid as it's about feeling ashamed of looking stupid, if that's clear at all. I would just rather not care what the other people thought of me if I'm contributing to the discussion and I'm learning something. That feeling is my goal.

Here's something that surprised me: my good friend with bipolar disorder has officially come out of the closet with it today. He told me, and he's told other close friends in the past, but he's always been ashamed of the stigma surrounding a mental disorder (I can relate). Today he discussed it with my professor, who also has BPD, then he casually dropped it into a conversation with someone else. I'm so proud of him! He said it's helped him to talk with me and to see how I've been dealing with - and overcoming - my anxiety disorder. That makes me happier than I can tell you! And I have to just stress to anyone reading this: it's never a good idea to hold onto these troubles and try to deal with them yourself. Like my friend told me today, internalizing the problem for these past few years has damaged him.

It's not exactly a huge domino effect, but progress builds as you can see and eventually branches out. I'm getting further and further and now so is someone else.

I Triple Dog Dare Ya!

I really like getting feedback here. So far, my thanks to Theresa for chiming in. I'm trying to think of how I can make this thing more interactive. I like the idea of challenges that push me past my boundaries. I'm thinking of soliciting requests - dares, if you will, to get me out there. It actually makes me a little sick to my stomach if I think about it too long. That's a good sign, right?

Spicy and Sad

Watching Precious with the roommate. It's late and I'm sleepy but I really want to see the end of this movie. So sad.

Had thai with Wright after class tonight. I love me some green curry.

I'm not very coherent right now. Gotta get some sleep soon and do laundry in the morning.

Will May Be Better?

I've been looking forward to the end of the semester because I want these classes to end, but lately I've been imagining how much better everything will be. I'll have more time for writing, reading, exercising.

I'm making excuses and looking forward to a "better time" that will probably be no different. So, how can I get inspired about the crap I have to do for school? Because that's what I keep avoiding and what stresses me out the most. I have a feeling that summer and fall will be more of the same. Negativity? Yes. Feeling a little down over here. I think I need to get up to Michigan to see the family very soon.

Not a Good Start to the Week

This morning I blew off a intern meeting at school with the internship coordinator and slept.

Then I woke up at 10:30 and scrambled to get ready for my 11:00 class. Do I need to say I was late? I got to the room with only about ten minutes left of class and Rebecca made a show of my lateness by saying, "Well look who decided to show up at the last possible minute . . . with different hair."

I decided to use my hair as an indicator of my level of determination to make it to class by saying, "Oh, I just didn't have any time to do it." She asked if I straightened it, I said yes, we went back to business. It was cool. I thought about it a minute later and wondered if I would have to straighten it for the next couple of weeks now. I mean, I can't say I didn't have time one day and then give up straightening it the next and the next and the next, can I? I'm being silly. I know.

Happy Easter!

Tonight I went to an Easter dinner and I introduced Wright to a couple of my friends. I see a very outgoing side of him usually, but tonight he was nervous, as anyone would be, and he told me later that he gets bad social anxiety in family gathering situations. I forget that some people only have social anxiety in certain social situations, since I have it in just about any situation (generalized social anxiety).

Well, he was charming and witty and I had no idea. Some people hide it very well. Anyway, I have something to tell y'all.

Take time to put down your burdens and relax.

I recently read a nice analogy that said when you hold a glass of water up for a minute, no problem, an hour and your arm hurts, a day - you might need an ambulance. The same with stress; if you try to manage stressful crap all the time without giving yourself a break you'll crack.

I'm going to keep that in mind this week. After a wonderful, relaxing weekend with Wright, I'm so incredibly behind on my homework. I will be stressed, but I needed this weekend.

What Makes Me Happy:

Thank you Theresa for the comments and suggestions! It really keeps me encouraged to hear something positive about my posts. The one about the scholarship essay still makes me so happy. I don't know where the award suggestion can apply, but I like where her head is at!

I hope this makes you happy:

I've been very unmotivated lately. I don't know the reason, but it could be anything. I blamed school at first, however, it may be allergies. Whatever it is, I don't like it. I want more energy! I'm looking forward to finding out the summer fitness schedule at the gym. I want to get into yoga this summer. I'm hoping it will help me manage stress and get more flexible.

I unveiled a new look yesterday. I call it Low Maintenance Hair Sarah. Basically, I put mousse in my hair and let it curl up instead of flat ironing it. I was surprised to get very positive responses to it. I think I'll have to go with the curly look for the summer since the humidity just won't allow for straightness in hair as long as mine so I'm glad I won't look like a dork. I'll get pics up soon so you can see the difference.

What's Next?

That was fun, now I need a new challenge. Any ideas? I still have to warm up to speaking in front of people. How can I arrange a small engagement to prepare for? I'm not really sure who I can speak to and what to speak about. A small speaking opportunity would be a perfect challenge for me, though. I'll need to look around for something . . .

I actually wanted to go to the gym this morning but it was closed for the holiday weekend. I hope I still have this motivation next week.

Next week my classes will be tough. Two weeks left in this semester, so profs are expecting everything they assigned for the end of the semester to get to them now. I'm not making progress on my anthropology papers so I have to work hard on those. I'm going to enjoy the long weekend though. The weather is beautiful!

Just Got Back From the Gym . . . You Know, No Big Deal.

I feel great! I went up to the ARC with my ipod on and a bottle of water in my hand telling myself I was confident and this is fun. First thing I did was head to the elliptical and as I studied the console, I thought about my earlier post. I didn't know what I was supposed to push to set a program, so I just started pushing buttons. Finally I saw a button that said something like Glute Blaster, which I thought sounded cool so I hit that and stepped on.

Ten minutes of that and I was panting and sweating and ready for a cool-down, so I walked up to the track and did a couple laps, just walking and relaxing.

I wanted to work on the machines to tone my legs, but when I walked around them all I couldn't find any of the machines that I like to use except for the one that tones the outer thigh. I used that one for a little while and then went back to wandering through the machines but the more I walked around the more conspicuous I started to feel. I wanted to work on my quads and hamstrings. Where are those machines? I wanted to know, but I didn't want to ask. I think I can ask in the future, but I just wanted to be invisible this time.

I feel really positive about today. I've been able to rationalize that others in the gym aren't judging me; they're working on their own fitness, and I have every right to be there to take care of myself, too. It'll take more trips to the gym to really get comfortable with this idea, but today was a big step for me.

It's finally here

Just a quick posting to say that today is gym day. It's finally here. I'm nervous and I keep picturing scenarios in my head. In some of them things are fine, in others I can't figure out how to program the Stairmaster and there are so many people I can't get on a machine.

I want to try to relax and have fun with this. Let's get this over with.

Sad Day

I just received an email from the professor who is coordinating the scholarships for the English department. She told me that I will not be awarded any of the scholarships. I want to cry, but I need to be happy that I gave it a try. I really wanted to win this, and I would have loved to have some financial help through my last semester, but it'll be okay. I'll be fine.

It's hard not to associate this with negativity. I try to put myself out where I can risk failure or success and I hope for the latter, but it's not easy to succeed sometimes. This is discouraging, but I know eventually I'll be rewarded for everything I've gone through. I have to believe that.

I also just registered for my last semester. Fiction workshop and feature writing, along with three anthropology classes. Both writing classes sound like great learning experiences for me, and I have Approach to Composition this summer which will also help me write better.

Two and a half more weeks of this semester. I've gotten a lot out of these past few months. I love school, I love learning, but I hope that after it's over I can use everything I've learned to write the things I've always wanted to write. And that I will be able to devote the time to those projects at last. I want to think about writing today, not a "stable job," because I need to be positive and writing is what makes me happy.

Zzzzzz...

Two more days!

I'm sleepy, but I just wanted to say that I had a relaxing evening at Wright's and now I'm going to get some sleep. Class was torture tonight. Wright and I couldn't wait to get the hell out of there. I was close for falling asleep a couple times.

I grabbed a few books on bipolar disorder at the library. I'll see what I can learn from those.

The Many Anxiety and Mood Disorders

I've been looking into how to deal with bipolar disorder. I know quite a few people who are dealing with this, including Wright. This has caused a lot of conflict between us, but mostly because I didn't know what the problem was.

He's one of the sweetest men I've ever met, and I love hanging out with him, but I need to find out how to talk about what bothers him and what to do when his mood plummets. I'm tired of arguing with him and now I know that he has little control over what he says and no control over how his moods. I've read that holistic treatment works, so I've ordered a book that explains how. I'm excited to see what it says.

The Magic Seeds

I wrote a story about the time I bought rosemary seeds and they turned out to be seeds for the common weed. I wanted to write a funny story and I was telling Wright about this the night before last. He told me I should write it down, so I did. I'm writing so much more than I ever have. It's great!

I've been drinking a lot of tea lately and I've got to stop it. Caffeine increases my feelings of anxiety and I know that I don't need the stimulation, I just enjoy it. Today I should get a few assignments done, but I've already had three cups of tea and I can feel it.

Thursday is the day. I will be going to the gym by myself. I don't plan on going alone all the time, but it'll be a big step for me if I can do it by myself once in a while.

Sleeping, Simmering, and Stories

This is one lazy Sunday. I slept more than I usually do, and I blame it on allergies. But, I'm up and getting ready to go out of the house. Wright made corned beef in the crock pot I gave him. He said it turned out wonderful. (He's adorable when he talks about food.) I'm looking forward to some cabbage and some potatoes and onions and carrots, and the beef, of course. Mmmm.

Today we'll write a scene or two for our story. Have some fun collaborating. It's been great watching this thing evolve.

I said I'd get some homework done today, but I'm not sure right now. It's looking like a relaxing day and I don't want to spoil it.

Keep Talking Blah, Blah, Blah

I need to see my counselor. I'm feeling great, so it's not that I'm on the verge of a meltdown or anything (I've had a meltdown before, though. It's a memorable experience.), it's just that counseling has been helpful for me. I remember when my counselor, Angel, helped me connect some of my childhood experiences to my most difficult social situations. And when I finally realized that low self-esteem was the center of my anxiety issues. Until then I didn't realize that I caused my problems by perpetuating negativity about myself. I thought people were my enemy, but I'm harder on myself than anyone ever was or ever will be.

I haven't seen Angel in about three weeks . . . actually, maybe four come to think of it. I cancelled my last appointment to work on homework, but I need to reschedule. I have so much to tell her. In five days I hope to cross something off of my list of fears. Working out on my own allows me to be more independent and it allows me to relieve stress that anxiety brings on. I'll continue to work up to public speaking, although I haven't figured out a safe crowd to start with (besides the social anxiety group at school). I want to see if she has any ideas for me.

I know people who have given up on counseling because of a bad experience, and that bothers me. I was lucky that I had a great person right from the start, but I encourage anyone who is working through their issues to look for the right counselor. It really makes a difference. Sometimes it takes a while to find just the right person who can see what really hurts you, though.

The Beginning of a Long Weekend of Meacham

So, the party today was interesting. I met a few writers and I talked to my professor and a few students from class, but it was kind of a let down. I thought one of the writers was annoying, another was a bore. A few of the guests were pretty cool, but overall this was not too impressive.

The reading was worse. So much worse. If Wright hadn't've been there it would have been excruciating. We wrote each other silly notes and made up poetry. Later, we went to Taco Mac for dinner and talked about writing. I love hanging out with him. It's so easy.

What's Your Fantasy?

My writing professor, Rebecca, invited me and one other student from class to attend a party for the writer's conference this weekend. She said she couldn't invite everyone from class, but we seem like very serious students so she wanted us to come hang out with the writers. I'm stunned. This is a great opportunity to talk to some writers. I mean, when will I ever get another chance to hang out at a party with a group of writers who publish their work, participate in professional workshops, etc.?

I almost ignored the invitation, but I decided I would regret not going, so I took an extra half dose of meds last night. I'm really nervous, but I don't want to get intimidated, I want to meet people and get inspired, maybe learn some things. I figure if I at least go it doesn't matter if I spend my time at the party sitting by myself. I'd rather I didn't, but at least I would have gone to the party instead of wishing I had.

Nothing Really Happens

Workshop this morning went well. Overall, I just feel relaxed talking about writing in a group, and that's the most important thing to me right now given what writing has come to mean in my life. I'm telling you, I don't get as freaked out in there as I used to. I like finding out what I can do to improve my writing. When I finally got my chance to speak about the story I had written, I asked the class what I could do to emphasize the conflict more.

The biggest complaint I've had about my work is that "nothing is at stake." My professor wants to see a bigger risk in my story and she wants me to make clear why I've chosen to write about that thing, that moment. I have to figure out how to make my stories more powerful for the resubmission later this semester.

Needing some inspiration . . . and some courage. I have to take some major risks with my writing if I want it to impact anybody.

Off to the gym in an hour or so. Later.

It's Okay To Be Vulnerable

Eight days!

I made it through one workshop. It was no sweat. Actually, I was relaxed and I asked the class questions about my story. It was very helpful for my revisions.

Had an argument with Wright about his workshop. Turns out, he's more insecure about it than he lets on. I knew he had issues about being talked about publicly, but he was upset with me for participating in workshop and offering suggestions instead of just saying I loved his story and leaving it at that. He hates being vulnerable, and that's understandable, but you have to deal with these things. It's things like this that make me wonder how he'll make it as a writer once his work is out there and people start saying what they want to about it.

Whatever. I'm just glad it's gym day. This is honestly the highlight of my week. I can't wait until I get comfortable going to the gym by myself. Big step coming up next week!

Somebody Cares!

My sister, Theresa, sent me a care package! So sweet of her. I was happy to find gluten-free crackers and pizza crust, along with cute socks, a container for vegetables and dip, gum, and a magazine called Mental Floss (lol!).

I've never heard of Mental Floss. Apparently it's a brainy type mag filled with interesting little facts. It's definitely not a stuffy, esoteric rag, though. I like.

I have a question: I want to join two different honor societies. I can't choose between the two. Can I join both?

Finally, I get one of the workshops over with today. I saw a girl from my class at the computers in the library last night. She asked me about one of the writers who was missing from tomorrow's line-up and I told her that the writer was auditing the class and probably chose not to post a story this time. But that's not really where I'm going with this . . .

. . . so anyway, I was flattered when she told me how much she liked my story. She said she knew someone like my boss (whom I was profiling), and that she felt the emotion in the piece. It made me feel fantastic. Thank you Ansley! I have to remember that conversation today so I don't worry about workshop for hours and make myself sick.

Writers Write. . . Then They Torment Themselves

A week and a half left!

I was set to have my paper workshopped today, but I found out after I got to class that I'm suppose to be w.s.'ed Wednesday instead. I was disappointed. It makes me nervous, this waiting to find out what people thought of my writing. I think I am going to have Wright go over the articles I've written, simply to get some feedback.

Oh, and that is plural. I wrote an article yesterday on social anxiety and I'm so happy that it's finally done. The first draft is, anyway. I still have a lot of revising to do.

I've been taking an extra 25 mg of Zoloft the past few days because of w.s. I have one Tuesday and one Wednesday of this week and I'm feeling anxious. I suppose I feel like I'll confront negativity about my writing, but realistically I won't be any worse than everybody else. It'll be fine; I need to totally accept that.