It All Started In My Childhood...

It's amazing how tired I am at the end of the semester. With all the assignments I need to get done and turned in, I'm constantly worried that I won't make it in time. It makes it hard to do even simple things like update my blog or throw in a load of laundry. All I want to do is sleep. Sleep is so easy and rewarding.

I saw my counselor yesterday. I'm disappointed in her. She has practically nothing to offer me for advice on pushing past my boundaries. All she did yesterday was sit there and listen to me go on about everything that's gone on in the past month. Occasionally she'll ask something, but today I had to do all the work and she gave me nothing. I could have gone to anyone else and gotten more useful guidance - and I plan to. My friends and readers are better counselors that a trained professional. I'm sure of it. So, from now on I'll still go see Angel, but I'll be seeking most of my counsel elsewhere. Yes, I'll probably be coming here with more questions, and feel free to dispense advice.

Keep Talking Blah, Blah, Blah

I need to see my counselor. I'm feeling great, so it's not that I'm on the verge of a meltdown or anything (I've had a meltdown before, though. It's a memorable experience.), it's just that counseling has been helpful for me. I remember when my counselor, Angel, helped me connect some of my childhood experiences to my most difficult social situations. And when I finally realized that low self-esteem was the center of my anxiety issues. Until then I didn't realize that I caused my problems by perpetuating negativity about myself. I thought people were my enemy, but I'm harder on myself than anyone ever was or ever will be.

I haven't seen Angel in about three weeks . . . actually, maybe four come to think of it. I cancelled my last appointment to work on homework, but I need to reschedule. I have so much to tell her. In five days I hope to cross something off of my list of fears. Working out on my own allows me to be more independent and it allows me to relieve stress that anxiety brings on. I'll continue to work up to public speaking, although I haven't figured out a safe crowd to start with (besides the social anxiety group at school). I want to see if she has any ideas for me.

I know people who have given up on counseling because of a bad experience, and that bothers me. I was lucky that I had a great person right from the start, but I encourage anyone who is working through their issues to look for the right counselor. It really makes a difference. Sometimes it takes a while to find just the right person who can see what really hurts you, though.

All I Hear Around Here is an Echo

Last night I couldn't go to sleep until I wrote an article that I had in mind. It was about social anxiety and I wrote it for our school newspaper, The Echo. It's about 600 words in length and focuses on my experiences with anxiety, my struggles in school, and the eventual help I received in counseling. My aim is to educate other students who have social anxiety and don't know what it is or what to do, and to show that it's possible to overcome it.

It felt so good to have it written. I love getting something completed, and this is the first writing assignment I've ever given myself that I've finished. Now I'm nervous. I know an editor at The Echo and I could talk to her about whether or not they'd be interested in running it, but I'm starting to succumb to the self-doubt. Negative thoughts are getting to me. I need some confidence. It's times like these I wish someone was reading this thing. . .

Like I Have Time to Read

I was shelving at work today and I came across a book on anxiety that looked good. It's called The Anxiety Book: Developing Strength in the Face of Fear. It's by Dr. Jonathan Davidson, Director of the Anxiety and Traumatic Stress Program at Duke University Medical Center. I'm looking forward to seeing what this book can give me. I might share it with my counselor next time I see her, and I'll definitely be posting whatever I think might interest anyone else.

I had a conversation with one of my co-workers in the sorting room today while we were getting books in order. Somehow the topic of anxiety came up (I'm sure that I brought it up, but I don't remember why), and she admitted that she shares a lot of the same feelings I do about social situations. Now, I knew she had some anxiety issues; she often has trouble relating to people and can come across as cold and aloof. I was glad that we had a chance to talk about it finally. I'm hoping I can help her with it in some way in the future. I'm going to need to understand my own problems a little better first, though.