Take a Chance On Me

I wanted to post last night but I was just too tired! I was feeling stressed yesterday about something and it sucked all of my energy out of me.

In January, there was a contest for creative nonfiction writing offered by the English department. I was determined to submit my essay about my trip to New Orleans. I had written it for English 413 and my professor gave me an A+. She said she rarely lavished the kind of praise she gave me but she really liked my writing. She even suggested that I submit it to the contest.

I wanted to make some revisions and make it better, so I emailed the story to my sister and asked for her feedback. She wrote back that it was good, and that once she realized that nothing was going to happen she liked it a lot more.

I couldn't get past that comment. Nothing happened in my story. It completely destoryed any esteem I had for the piece. I couldn't submit it and I let the due date go by.

I regret that now. I'm in a creative nonfiction writing class, and most of the stories the students write are about divorce, parents, abuse, and alcohol. Seldom do I ever read an essay that is sophisticated and well-written. I'm sure the judges would have been pleased to come across my well-written essay about a light-hearted topic like a vacation trip. I hate regret.

The English department sent an email a few days ago that the scholarship deadline had been pushed back to Friday. I looked over the scholarships and I qualify to apply for four of the six. I decided that it was worth a try. If I get a scholarship, I can stay at UTC for an extra semester and study writing more.

I wrote the letter of interest that they require with the application and I was going to have one of the librarians proof read it for me, but I started to chicken out. I didn't want anyone to read my ambitions and laugh at me. I told a co-worker about it and she encouraged me to go through with it. I did. The librarian told me that the letter was great.

I made a few revisions on it later and printed it out. I signed it and clipped it to the application. It is now sitting in a folder to be turned in and I'm scared. I don't know who's going to read it and what they'll think of me. Will they think my writing is bad? That I should give up on my dreams? Am I unworthy of their assistance? These are the fears I have in my head, the thoughts that threaten to make me give up and have another regret. I'm afraid, but I need to do this anyway. The more I open up and take risks like this, the more chances I take of being accepted instead of rejected.